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"The Whole "Being Dead" Thing" is the second song from the musical Beetlejuice.

Lyrics

[BETELGEUSE]
Hey, folks! Begging your pardon!
Welcome to the Winter Garden!
Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole
Y'know, "being dead" thing

You're doomed! Enjoy the singing
The sword of Damocles is swinging
And if I hear your cell phone ringing
I'll kill you myself
The whole "being dead" thing!

Death can get a person stressed
"We should have carpe'd way more diems
Now we're never gonna see ‘em!"
I can show you what comes next
So don't be freaked
Stay in your seats
I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week
So just relax, you'll be fine
Drink your fifty-dollar wine
And take a breath!

[ENSEMBLE]
Welcome to a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE]
You're
You're gonna be fine
On the other side
DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

I'll
I'll be your guide
To the other side

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh, and full disclosure: it's a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE]
Everybody gets on fine here
Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
The women's bathroom has no line here
Just pee where you want
The whole being dead thing!

You're just gonna love the folks here
Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here
And every show I do, like, a TON of coke here
The whole—
[Snorts loudly.]
PAH-HAH! The whole being dead thing!

Nobody is bullet-proof
"I work out, I eat clean!"
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Time to face the brutal truth: (Dies Illa)
‘Cause we're all on a hit list
Might not live ‘till Christmas
Choke to death on Triscuits
Hey, that's just statistics
So take a little break here
Kinda like a wake here
The scenery is fake here
But there's a giant snake here!

[ENSEMBLE]
Welcome to a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE]
You're
You're gonna be fine—thank you!
On the other side—how you doin'?
Oh, not good!
Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop!

I'll—hey!
I'll be your guide
To the other side
Seriously, though, this is a show about—

[ENSEMBLE]
Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new
There's nothing medical professionals could do
‘cept maybe just bill you

[BETELGEUSE] If you die during this performance, the show will not stop!

[ENSEMBLE]
There's no destiny or fate
Just a terrifying wait
Filled with people that you hate
And on a certain date, the Universe kills you!

[BETELGEUSE, (ENSEMBLE)]
That's the thing with life:
No one makes it out alive
Toss that body in the pit
"Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?"
"Blah-blah, Bible, Jesus magic"
When you're dead, who gives a shit?
"No pilates, no more yoga!"
"Namaste", you freakin' posers

From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae)
Death just needs a little conversation!
I have mastered the art (Dies Irae)
Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae)

So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae)
On the whole "being dead" thing!

[ALL]
God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!

[BETELGEUSE] Ready? Okay!
Hi! I’ll be your guide
I’ll be your G-U-I-D-E to the other side
Don’t go to the Netherworld—

[ADAM] Netherworld?

[BETELGEUSE]
Did I say Netherworld? Never mind
I’m the B-to-the-double-E-J-F-Q
And Jesus, I can’t spell

[MINIONS]
Hi! He’ll be your guide
He’ll be your G-U-I-D-E to the other side

[BETELGEUSE]
Let's all get naked!

[ADAM & BARBARA]
No!

[BETELGEUSE]
Eh, worth a try
I’m the B-to-the-double-E-T-L-E to the J-U-I-C-E
Yeah!

[BARBARA] What is happening?

[BETELGEUSE] I understand that it's a lot to process...
But the good news is you and your spouse
Died in your own house
That gives you clout
That means the two of you should stick around

Lucky for you I dropped by
Yeah, you seem like nice guys
A little on the Pottery Barn and dry white wine side
As for me, I’ve been scaring for millennia
I’m the bio-exorcist
Giving houses enemas
Flush out all the breathers
You can breathe easier
Stick with me
I’m like a ghost-zombie Jesus

[MINIONS]
Ghost-zombie Jesus!

[BETELGEUSE]
And I do it for the love of it
Money? Ah, who gives a shit?
I think we’re a perfect fit
Come on, let’s make out a bit

[MINIONS]
Yeah!
Dead!

[BETELGEUSE]
It’s the perfect day to die
‘Cause this guy happened to be passing by
To give you control of your soul
Through the whole "being dead" thing

The whole "being dead" thing!
Oh yeah!

[BETELGEUSE]
Great choice!
You won't regret it
You want your house back?

[ADAM & BARBARA] Yes!

[BETELGEUSE] Let's get it!
Victory's within your reach
You've just been waiting for the perfect teacher
Being dead has its perks
Let's get rid of those jerks
We'll do some improv
Feel what works for the whole "being dead" thing
Now get in the attic!

[BETELGEUSE]
Hey guys, awesome seance
Lots of good old-fashioned chaos
You lose — in your faces!
‘Cause look who's holding all the aces

Hey, it’s great that you ate up my plan
Now the pooch has been screwed
And shit's hit the fan!
You wanted me gone-

[LYDIA] I don't have a choice.

[BETELGEUSE]
You wanted your mom-

[LYDIA] It’s my fault she's dying!

[BETELGEUSE]
You messed with the wrong book — now look what you've done!

(BARBARA screams)

[LYDIA] Okay! I'll do it, I'll marry you!

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