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This is fans transcribed "Beetlejuice: The Musical The Musical The Musical" based on "Beetlejuice Original Broadway Cast Recording Ensemble", the most official telling of the Musical version of Beetlejuice. Additional full and partial uploads of the performance do get uploaded on youtube that can fill in the rest. Note, Alex tended to alter the script some days to improve a bit, and really the most common thing said would do fine here. The one off song performance like on the the Tony Awards in 2019 not counted as well, and can instead be noted in trivia.

The Transcribed Musical[]

Act 1[]

01 "Prologue: Invisible"[]

"Ensemble" singing: 


DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO
AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH


  • Priest: In times like these, we have no words, we have only each other. Today, we come together to mourn the passing of Emily Deetz. Devoted wife to Charles, beloved mother to Lydia. Scripture tells us, “Sorrow not. For we do not walk alone.”

"Lydia Deetz" singing:


YOU’RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU’RE SAD
CLOCKS TICK AND PHONES STILL RING
THE WORLD CARRIES ON LIKE MAD 
BUT NOBODY SEES A THING 
WHISPERING BEHIND THEIR HANDS
LOST FOR KIND WORDS TO SAY
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
THEN EVERYONE GOES AWAY
GROWN UPS WANT TO FIX THINGS, WHEN THEY CAN’T, IT ONLY FILLS THEM WITH SHAME
SO, THEY JUST LOOK AWAY
IS IT BEING GREEDY TO NEED SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY MY NAME 
SEEMS WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR MOM
NO ONE TURNS OFF THE SUN 
FOLKS CARRY ON THAT’S THAT 
YOU’RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU’RE SAD 


  • Beetlejuice: Holy crap! A ballad already? And such a bold departure from the original source material!

02 "The Whole 'Being Dead' Thing"[]

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

HEY FOLKS! 
BEGGING YOUR PARDON! 
WELCOME TO THE WINTER GARDEN!
NOW LET’S SKIP THE TEARS AND START ON THE WHOLE… YOU KNOW 
BEING DEAD THING! 
YOU’RE DOOMED!
ENJOY THE SINGING!
THE SWORD OF DAMECLES IS SWINGING
AND IF I HEAR YOUR CELL PHONE RINGING, I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING! 
DEATH CAN GET A PERSON STRESSED!
WE SHOULD’VE CARP’ED WAY MORE DIEMS 
NOW WE’RE NEVER GONNA SEE ‘EM
I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT COMES NEXT 
SO, DON’T BE FREAKED 
STAY IN YOUR SEAT
I DO THIS BULLSHIT LIKE 8 TIMES A WEEK
SO JUST RELAX 
YOU’LL BE FINE 
DRINK YOUR $50 WINE AND TAKE A BREATH 

"Ensemble" singing:

WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!

"Beetlejuice" singing:

YOU’RE, YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE
ON THE OTHER SIDE
DIE, YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE,  YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE 
I’LL, I’LL BE YOUR GUIDE 
TO THE OTHER SIDE

"Ensemble" singing:

OH, AND FULL DISCLOSURE
IT’S A SHOW ABOUT DEATH! 

"Beetlejuice" singing:

EVERYBODY GETS ON FINE HERE 
LIKE ROGERS, HART, AND HAMMERSTEIN HERE
THE WOMEN’S BATHROOM HAS NO LINE HERE
JUST PEE WHERE YOU WANT! 
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING! 
YOU’RE JUST GONNA LOVE THE FOLKS HERE
YEAH, I KNOW YOU’RE WOKE, BUT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE HERE
AND EVERY SHOW I DO LIKE A TON OF COKE HERE
THE WHOLE...
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING! 
NOBODY IS BULLETPROOF 
I WORK OUT, I EAT CLEAN 
JESUS PASS THE DRAMAMINE 
TIME TO FACE THE BRUTAL TRUTH!
'CAUSE WE'RE ALL ON A HITLIST
MIGHT NOT LIVE 'TILL CHRISTMAS 
CHOKE TO DEATH ON TRISCUITS 
HEY, THAT JUST STATISTICS
SO, TAKE A LITTLE BREAK HERE 
IT'S KINDA LIKE A WAKE HERE 
THE SCENERY IS FAKE HERE
BUT THERE'S A GIANT SNAKE HERE
----
(Sandworm roars)

(Beetlejuice laughs)
----

"Ensemble" singing:  

WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!

----

"Beetlejuice" singing:

YOU'RE... YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE 
THANK YOU! 
ON THE OTHER SIDE 
HOW YOU DOIN

----
(woman cries)

----

"Beetlejuice" singing:

NOT GOOD? 
*SCATTING*
I'LL... HEY, I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE 
TO THE OTHER SIDE
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT DEATH

----

"Ensemble" singing:  

DEATH IS TABOO, BUT IT'S HARDLY SOMETHING NEW 
THERE'S NOTHING MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS CAN DO 
'CEPT MAYBE JUST BILL YOU 

----

"Beetlejuice" singing:

IF YOU DIE WHILE WATCHING THIS PERFORMANCE (soundtrack version of this line) IF YOU DIE WHILE LISTENING TO THIS ALBUM
THE SHOW WILL NOT STOP (soundtrack version of this line) IT'S STILL GONNA KEEP PLAYING

----

"Ensemble" singing:  

THERE'S NO DESTINY OR FATE
JUST A TERRIFYING WAIT
FILLED WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU HATE
AND ON A CERTAIN DATE, THE UNIVERSE KILLS YOU

----

"Beetlejuice" singing:

THAT'S THE THING WITH LIFE
NO-ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE
TOSS THAT BODY IN THE PIT
"GOSH, IT'S AWFUL, AIN'T IT TRAGIC?" 
"BLAH, BLAH, BIBLE. JESUS MAGIC."
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, WHO GIVES A SHIT? 
NO PILATES, NO MORE YOGA 
"NAMASTE", YOU FREAKIN' POSERS 
FROM THE CRADLE TO CREMATION 
DEATH JUST NEEDS A LITTLE CONVERSATION  
I HAVE MASTERED THE ART ("Ensemble" singing: DIES IRAE!!)
OF TEARING CONVENTION APART ("Ensemble" singing: DIES IRAE!!)
SO, HOW BOUT WE ALL MAKE A START ("Ensemble" singing: DIES IRAE!!)
ON THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING ("Ensemble" singing: AH AH AH AH) 

----

"Beetlejuice" and "Ensemble": 

GOD, I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!


  • Beetlejuice: Thank you! That was an old Scandinavian folk song. I like to think I put my own spin on it, but what’s the point, you know? I mean you saw these schmucks up here. They look right through me! I’m invisible. Powerless. Like a gay republican! And it’s not fair, you know? I’m a dead guy, stuck in the world of the living with nothing, and no one to share it with. All I want is for someone, anyone to look my way and say “Hey. I see you. I accept you. And I fear for my safety around you.” Because dead or alive, you don’t got somebody who really gets you, then you’re going to feel lonely and worthless and you’ll never reach your goal weight because you eat when you’re sad… this guy knows what I’m talking about. But here’s the good news! I’ve got a way to make everyone see me. All I’ve gotta do is get a living person to say my name three times. And I’ve got a plan. See that tiny little house up there? Well it’s a lot bigger on the inside! And the people who live there, I’ve been watching them for a while. Yes, it’s been very creepy. And now, finally they’re about to die! They’re gonna be my new best friends!

03 "Ready Set, Not Yet"[]

  • Adam Maitland: Barbara, I’m home!

  • Beetlejuice: Adam and Barbara Maitland!

  • Barbara Maitland: Was there traffic on the bridge?

  • Adam Maitland: Bill Hadley on his tractor. I was like, “Pick a lane, Bill!”

  • Beetlejuice: Isn’t this amazing? It’s the last day of their entire lives and this is what they’re talking about!

  • Adam Maitland: So, crazy story. I got all the way to Howard’s store, and then Howard tells me their out of stock

  • Barbara Maitland: No!

  • Adam Maitland: So, I asked Howard Junior to check in the back.

  • Barbara Maitland: Smart.

  • Adam Maitland: So he sent little Howard the third, and long story short, I got the last bottle of Manchurian Tung oil!

  • Beetlejuice: See, this is what life is. Just a bunch of Howards and then you die.

(Phone rings.)

  • Barbara Maitland: I’ll get it!

  • Beetlejuice: Oh, they’re both gonna get it. It’s gonna be so good for all of us

  • Adam Maitland: Hey old girl! Let’s get you finished!

  • Beetlejuice: Finished? Oh, Adam, we’re just getting started!

"Adam Maitland" singing: 


LOOK AT THIS CRIB
IN ALL OF ITS GLORIOUS ANTIQUARY 
EVERY CURVE AND SURFACE SPEAKS TO ME
SAYING PAMPER AND SPOIL ME 
SAND ME AND OIL ME 
COME ON 
I KNOW TO THE UNTRAINED EYE IT'S BORING
BUT NOTHING'S A CHORE WHEN YOU'RE RESTORING 
APART FROM FRUSTRATION, PAIN, AND FINANCIAL DRAIN 
IT'S FUN!
FOLKS SAY ADAM 
WHY DO YOU POLISH YOUR CRIB WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A KID?
AND EVEN IF YOU DID HAVE A KID
THIS CRIB IS TOO PRECIOUS FOR PLACING A BABY INSIDE IT
SO, IT SIMPLY EXISTS TO REMIND YOU
YOUR SENSE OF PERFECTION IS JUST A REFLECTION THAT
YOU ARE NOT MENTALLY PREPARED TO MAKE ROOM FOR A KID
ADAM, WHY DON'T YOU LIVE? 
ADAM, JUST MAKE A START
ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? 
READY, SET READY, SET
  • Beetlejuice: Big news!!

  • Barbara Maitland: That was the O’Brians calling.

  • Adam Maitland: Oh, don’t worry, I’m gonna have this crib ready before that baby gets here!

  • Barbara Maitland: She had it yesterday…

  • Adam Maitland: Oh! That’s great! Then I guess there’s no rush! Do you want some lunch?

  • Barbara Maitland: Make me a sandwich?

  • Adam Maitland: One sandwich, coming up!

  • Beetlejuice: Spoiler Alert: she’s never going to eat that sandwich!

"Barbara Maitland" singing: 


LOOK AT THESE JUGS!
AMAZINGLY GLAZED AND TERRACOTTA-ERY
I TOOK SOME CLAY AND MADE YOU POTTERY
THE WORLD WILL NEVER WRECK YOU
I'LL PROTECT YOU IN A MOTHER'S EMBRACE 
FOLKS SAY, BARBARA 
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT CERAMICS 
IS SIMPLY A MANIFESTATION OF MOTHERLY PANIC
BY MAKING A BABY THAT'S BREAKABLE 
AREN'T YOU CREATING A WAY OF TRANSLATING THE TERROR 
OF MAKING MATERNAL MISTAKES INTO CLAY
HIDING AWAY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE BEING A BAD MOM 
BARBARA THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE DONE, BARBARA
JUST MAKE A START 
ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? 
READY, SET...

----


"Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing:


HERE WE STAND
AT THE END OF A 10-YEAR PLAN
A HOUSE, A YARD, A MINIVAN
A BABY SHOULD BE NEXT
TOGETHER LET'S LEAP OFF THE CLIFF
FALL FOREVER, THEN SMASH TO BITS 
TRAPPED IN A TERRIFYING VIPER PIT
OF DIAPERS AND REGRET 
ARE WE WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? 

"Adam Maitland" singing: READY, SET

"Barbara Maitland" singing: READY, SET

"Adam Maitland" singing: NOT YET 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: NOT YET 

"Adam Maitland" singing: WHY RUSH? 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: WHY RUSH?

"Adam Maitland" and Barbara Maitland" singing: SOON ENOUGH, OUR HOPES AND OUR DREAMS WILL BE CRUSHED

"Barbara Maitland" singing: BUT NOT YET!

"Adam Maitland" singing: NOT YET! 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: NOT NOW 

"Adam Maitland" singing: 

NOT NOW 
Ooohh? No! See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards!

"Barbara Maitland" singing: 

You are absolutely right
LET'S ADD IT TO THE LIST
WITH THE CRACKS IN THE PLASTER 

"Adam Maitland" singing: THE WI-FI SHOULD BE FASTER 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: THIS SOFA NEEDS A CASTOR 

"Adam Maitland" singing: THE BATHROOM'S A DISASTER! 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: WHAT ABOUT GLOBAL POVERTY? 

"Adam Maitland" singing: WHAT ABOUT WORLD PEACE? 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: THEN THERE'S THE WHOLE DARN ECONOMY 

"Adam Maitland" singing: THE WHOLE MIDDLE EAST 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: WE SHOULD LEARN MANDARIN 

"Adam Maitland" singing: YEAH! OR SPANISH AT LEAST 


"Adam Maitland" and Barbara Maitland" singing: 

NO HABLA ESPAÑOL 
DOS CERVEZAS POR FAVOR 
AND THAT'S ALL WE GOT 
AND THAT'S NOT A LOT 
DO WE WANT A BILINGUAL HOUSEHOLD OR NOT? 
SO, LET'S GO SLOW 
NO BREAKING A SWEAT 
WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING CHILDREN 
IF WE'RE DROWNING IN DEBT? 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: NOW WE'RE TOTALLY 

"Adam Maitland" singing: COMPLETELY 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: MAYBE EIGHTY PERCENT 

"Adam Maitland" singing: I'D SAY SEVENTY-EIGHT 

"Adam Maitland" and Barbara Maitland" singing: READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP 

"Beetlejuice" singing: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH YEAH! 

"Adam Maitland" and Barbara Maitland" singing: THE NEXT STEP 

"Beetlejuice" singing: ZOOBY DOOBY DOOBY, DOOBY DOP AND BOW! 

"Adam Maitland" and Barbara Maitland" singing: THE NEXT STEP

"Beetlejuice" singing: ZWEEBY, BEEBY, BOO-BAH-BAH-DEE! 

"Adam Maitland" and Barbara Maitland" singing: 

THE NEXT STEP
READY, SET LET'S

(Adam and Barbara yelling)

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

SEE I WASN'T KIDDING
IT'S A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!

04 "The Whole Being Dead Thing Part 2"[]

  • Beetlejuice: Wow! Those people just died, and you guys are clapping! I love it! you’re getting really comfy with the whole being dead thing! Now, here’s the plan; I can’t make the living say my name, but with a little help from me, those newlydeads can. Then, the B-mans free and the mai tais are on me. But first, I gotta toss the rule book. And speaking of, right on time! The rule book…I present: The Handbook for The Recently Deceased. “Chapter 1: The Netherworld. All ghosts shall proceed directly to the Netherworld.” No. Not gonna do that. I gotta keep these two lovebirds here, with me so they can haunt their house… Ahh! Uh, hey! We got any kids in the audience? Ah! Second row, right there! Hi, boys! Puppet show!! “Mr. Beebleboose!” Yes book? “Where do books go when they die?” Well, I don’t know, book. Let’s find out! “AGHHHHHH! I'M ONLY TWELVE YEARS OLD! I PRAY EVERY NIGHT, HOW IS THIS GOD'S PLAN?!" Sometimes puppet shows are sad.


  • Adam Maitland: Barbara? Are you alright?
  • Beetlejuice: Oh crap!
  • Adam Maitland: Holy smokes! That was some fall!
  • Barbara Maitland: I guess the floor gave out.
  • Adam Maitland: I didn’t think it was that weak! Are you alright?
  • Barbara Maitland: I think so! Oo! You are like ice!
  • Adam Maitland: You’re freezing!
  • Barbara Maitland: I’ll make a… (a beat.) I don’t remember making a fire.
  • Adam Maitland: I gotta say hun, we’re lucky. A fall from that height? It could’ve been bad!
  • Barbara Maitland: That’s so strange, It’s not hot.
  • Adam Maitland: My whole life flashed before my eyes! Started asking myself the big questions like… why are our bodies still in the basement?
  • Barbara Maitland: What’d you say?

(ADAM and BARBARA scream as BARBARA’s hand is on fire.)

  • Adam Maitland: What’s happening to us?
  • Barbara Maitland: Adam, I don’t think we survived that fall.
  • Adam Maitland: What? You mean… oh god.
  • Barbara Maitland: I know. I know, there’s still so much I wanted to do.
  • Adam Maitland: I know, I know, me too. But hey. We’re still together. We’re still in our house, all our stuff is here! Let’s say we are dead… that’s bad, obviously, but hey, maybe! Maybe nothing has to change.
  • Beetlejuice: WHAT'S UP! Do not be afraid. You are dead. I am also dead. Maybe, we can help each other! Hi there.

(ADAM and BARBARA scream.)

  • Beetlejuice: Okay, plan B! I’m gonna need some help!


"Beetlejuice" singing: 

READY? OKAY! 
HI! I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE
I'LL BE YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO THE OTHER SIDE 
DON'T GO TO THE NETHERWORLD

"Adam Maitland" singing: NETHERWORLD? 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

DID I SAY NETHERWORLD? NEVER MIND 
I'M THE B-TO-THE-DOUBLE-E-J-F-Q 
AND JESUS, I CAN'T SPELL SHIT 

"Ensemble" singing: 

HI! HE'LL BE YOUR GUIDE 
HE'LL BE YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO THE OTHER SIDE 

"Beetlejuice" singing: Let's all get naked!

"Adam Maitland" singing: No!

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

EH, WORTH A TRY 
I'M THE B-TO-THE-DOUBLE-E-T-L-E TO THE J-U-I-C-E 
YEAH! 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: What is happening?

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

I understand it's a lot to process, but
THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE DIED IN YOUR OWN HOUSE
THAT GIVES YOU CLOUT 
THAT MEANS THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD STICK AROUND
LUCKY FOR YOU I DROPPED BY 
YEAH, YOU SEEM LIKE NICE GUYS 
A LITTLE ON THE POTTERY BARN AND DRY WHITE WINE SIDE 
AS FOR ME, I'VE BEEN SCARING FOR MILLENNIA 
I'M THE BIO-EXORCIST GIVING HOUSES ENEMAS 

"Beetlejuice" and "Ensemble" singing:

PUSH OUT ALL THE BREATHERS 
YOU CAN BREATHE EASIER

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

JUST STICK WITH ME 
I'M LIKE A GHOST-ZOMBIE JESUS

"Ensemble" singing: GHOST-ZOMBIE JESUS! 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

AND I DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF IT 
MONEY? AH, WHO GIVES A SHIT
I THINK WE'RE A PERFECT FIT 
COME ON, LET'S MAKE OUT A BIT

"Ensemble" singing: YEAH! DEAD! 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

IT'S THE PERFECT DAY TO DIE
'CAUSE THIS GUY HAPPENED TO BE PASSING BY 
TO GIVE YOU CONTROL OF YOUR SOUL FOR THE WHOLE "BEING DEAD" THING ("Ensemble" singing: AH AH AH AH AH AH AH! AH AH AH! AH AH AH AH!)

"Beetlejuice" and "Ensemble" singing: THE WHOLE "BEING DEAD" THING!

"Beetlejuice" singing: OH YEAH! 

  • Beetlejuice: Babs! (kisses her.)
  • Adam Maitland: Excuse me!
  • Beetlejuice: Boy, do you know how to pick ‘em or what? Let me ask you a question. Guy talk… how’d you do it? how’d you get her to marry you?
  • Adam Maitland: Who are you?
  • Beetlejuice: Adam (dramatic pause.) You don’t recognize me? I- I’m your father.
  • Adam Maitland: ……Dad?
  • Beetlejuice: You…are…ADORABLE… (kisses Adam) HA! I’m sorry I just couldn’t help myself. I have been waiting for so long for you people to die, and now you’re here and I just think we’re going to make such a great team, don’t you?
  • Barbara Maitland: No offense mister, but you give me the creeps.
  • Beetlejuice: Oh, thank you very much. You give me…a boner…here, it’s a femur. Now, we don’t have a lot of time. The two of you need to hire me right now.
  • Adam Maitland: Hire you for what?
  • Beetlejuice: To teach you how to scare!
  • Barbara Maitland: Scare? Scare who?
  • Beetlejuice: The people who bought your house!

05 "The Whole Being Dead Thing Part 3"[]

  • Barbara Maitland: What? But how? We just died!
  • Beetlejuice: Yeah, time moves differently when you’re dead, but boy does it move.
  • Adam Maitland: Hey! Stop that!
  • Beetlejuice: Yeah, you tell ‘em, Adam!
  • Barbara Maitland: Put that down!
  • Beetlejuice: Get in there Babs! You both get ‘em.
  • Adam Maitland: Hey!... They can’t see us.
  • Beetlejuice: (gasp) Keen observation Adam. You see, the living ignore the dead. We are invisible. And breathers worry so much about their stupid little lives, most of them never notice anything strange or unusual unless you make them. And that is why you need me!
  • Adam Maitland: You’re gonna help us?
  • Beetlejuice: For a price. Itty bitty price, more of a favor really.
  • Barbara Maitland: Excuse me, this is all happening very fast, we just died and now you’re here, and now they’re here and-
  • Beetlejuice: Babs, I get it, I totally get it, but the two of you are special. You died together. That never happens. Unless of course, it’s a murder suicide, which makes for a very awkward eternity. So, take a breath, metaphorically, and just remember.
  • Mover 1: AGH! Sliver!
  • Mover 2: Eh, who cares, it’s going to the dump!
  • Adam Maitland: The dump? Did they say the dump?
  • Beetlejuice: They said the dump.
  • Adam Maitland: They can’t take that to the dump!
  • Beetlejuice: They’re taking it to the dump and without me they’re going to do that to everything!
  • Adam Maitland: Barbara?
  • Beetlejuice: Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.
  • Barbara Maitland: You’re hired!
  • Adam Maitland: Tell us what to do!
  • Beetlejuice: You said YES!
"Beetlejuice" singing: 

GREAT CHOICE! 
YOU WON’T REGRET IT 
YOU WANT YOUR HOUSE BACK? 

"Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: YES! 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

LET’S GET IT! 
VICTORYS WITHIN YOUR REACH!
YOU’VE JUST BEEN WAITING FOR THE PERFECT TEACHER
BEING DEAD HAS ITS PERKS 
LET’S GET RID OF THESE JERKS
No, No! We’ll do some improv!
YOU KNOW FEEL WHAT WORKS 
FOR THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING! 
YEAH!
Now get in the attic!

06 "Dead Mom"[]

  • Delia Deetz: (Ringing Triangle.) Mmmmmm, yes! There’s very good energy in here. Very good energy.
  • Charles Deetz: I’m glad you like it. I took a very big risk with this place. Can you believe people actually lived here? It’s like a nursing home for sad cats.
  • Delia Deetz: Don’t you worry Charles, if we make it look fabulous, no one will ever know it’s actually crushingly insecure and older than it says it is.
  • Charles Deetz: Good! Now, we have two days to transform this old house into the flagship model home of my new gated community. Now I just need to convince Maxie Dean. If I get Maxie Dean in my corner, the investments will pour in. He’s my white whale.
  • Delia Deetz: I don’t see race. (a beat.) But Charles! You’re under so much stress, you must relax! Now you remember what my guru Otho says! “Every success begins with sucks and ends with yes. Sucks-Yes!

(DELIA and CHARLES make out on the table.)

  • Charles Deetz: Delia, you erotic astronaut! You smell like the bathrooms at the Mandarin Oriental.
  • Delia Deetz: I used that soap!
  • Charles Deetz: No, we have to stop. What if Lydia walks in?
  • Delia Deetz: Charles, maybe we should just tell her about us.
  • Charles Deetz: No, she’s still too fragile. Lydia doesn’t have my resilience. She needs somebody to help her get past all this. That’s why you’re here. To be her… what do you call yourself again?
  • Delia Deetz: A life coach!
  • Charles Deetz: Right. What does that mean?
  • Delia Deetz: Almost anything.
  • Lydia Deetz: Hey dad? Does this couch make me look dead?
  • Charles Deetz: Lydia, I’m not going to answer a question like that.
  • Lydia Deetz: What? Can't hear you, I'm too dead.
  • Delia Deetz: Lydia, we talked about this sad, saddy, sadness stuff, yeah? Do you remember what I said?
  • Lydia Deetz: Yeah, you said “Stop acting so weird, I need this job.”
  • Delia Deetz: No! (chuckling.) No no no no no. I am positive I quoted my guru Otho who said “Sadness is like kale salad. No one likes it, throw it out.” (Alternate Dialog, Delia Deetz: No! (chuckling.) No no no no no. I am positive I quoted my guru Otho who said “Sadness is like a third nipple. It's a part of you but no one wants to see it.")
  • Lydia Deetz: Dad, how long do we have to stay here? I wanna go home.
  • Charles Deetz: About that… I thought that after everything we’ve been through… Well, I just thought that both of us could use a fresh start. So, I’m selling our house. We’re going to live here!
  • Lydia Deetz: What? Dad, n-no you can’t do that. Dead Mom loved our house.
  • Charles Deetz: Dead Mom? Lydia-
  • Lydia Deetz: You never wanna talk about her.
  • Charles Deetz: That’s because I’m trying to… Delia, do your job please, life coach her.
  • Delia Deetz: Knock Knock! Who’s there? Happiness!
  • Lydia Deetz: NO! (a beat.) Dad, please. Our whole life is in that house. Don’t you remember when we moved in? It was all rundown and we didn’t know if we were going to get through it. And then mom said, “Let’s clean up.” And she made us sing that song she always loved. "...SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA , SHAKE YOUR BOD...".
  • Charles Deetz: Lydia, you have moped around for months, dressed in black, obsessing about death!
  • Lydia Deetz: I’m in mourning.
  • Charles Deetz: Yes, but we have to move forward! All of us! (MOVERS move in furniture.) Ah! Keep it coming gentleman! Maxie Dean will be here for dinner in two days. We have two days to make this a model home. With a lovely family inside. Lydia, I know you won’t let me down.
  • Lydia Deetz: Yeah…It’d be terrible if we all let each other down…
  • Delia Deetz: (Rings Triangle.) This is exciting! We have a dinner to plan, a house to redecorate-
  • Lydia Deetz: Hey Delia! Knock Knock!
  • Delia Deetz: Okay! Um, Who’s there?
  • Lydia Deetz: I don’t know. You’ll have to open the door to find out.
  • Delia Deetz: I don’t think that’s how knock knock jokes work.
  • Lydia Deetz: I guess you’ll never know then.
  • Delia Deetz: Alright, um… Creeeak.
  • Lydia Deetz: AGH!
  • Delia Deetz: AHHH! Lydia, you are so weird. We’re going to change that (rings triangle.) Now, I’m gonna go find a room to bless.
  • Lydia Deetz: Knock Knock…
  • Delia Deetz: Nope! Not answering! I have a peephole; I can see you… You’re scary, goodbye!
"Lydia Deetz" singing:

I’m alone. I am utterly alone. Except for you, Dead Mom
HEY MOM, DEAD MOM 
I NEED A LITTLE HELP HERE 
I’M PROB’LY TALKING TO MYSELF HERE 
BUT DEAD MOM, I GOTTA ASK
ARE YOU REALLY IN THE GROUND?
CAUSE I FEEL YOU ALL AROUND ME 
ARE YOU HERE, DEAD MOM? 
DEAD MOM
This is the oldest house I’ve ever seen you would’ve loved it 
DEAD MOM 
I’M TIRED OF TRYIN’ TO IRON OUT MY CREASES 
I’M A BUNCH OF BROKEN PIECES 
IT WAS YOU WHO MADE ME WHOLE 
EVERY DAY DAD’S STARIN’ AT ME 
LIKE ALL, “HURRY UP, GET HAPPY 
MOVE ALONG 
FORGET ABOUT YOUR MOM”
CAUSE DADDY’S IN DENIAL 
DADDY DOESN’T WANNA FEEL 
HE WANTS ME TO SMILE AND CLAP LIKE A PERFORMING SEAL
IGNORED IT FOR A WHILE
BUT DADDY’S LOST HIS MIND FOR REAL
YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE MESS THAT WE’VE BECOME
YOU’RE MY HOME MY DESTINATION 
AND I’M YOUR CLONE YOUR STRANGE CREATION 
YOU HELD MY HAND AND LIFE CAME EASY 
NOW JOKES DON’T LAND AND NO ONE SEES ME
NOTHING SEEMS TO FIT
MAMA, IS THIS IT?
ARE YOU RECEIVING? I WANT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN 
OR I’M DONE TAKE ME WHERE MY SOUL CAN RUN
OR I’LL BE IN MY BEDROOM WAKE ME WHEN I’M TWENTY-ONE 
DADDY’S MOVING FORWARD
DADDY DIDN’T LOSE A MOM 
MAMA WON’T YOU SEND A SIGN?
I’M RUNNING OUT OF HOPE AND TIME
A PLAGUE OF MICE, A LIGHTNING STRIKE
OR DROP A NUCLEAR BOMB
NO MORE PLAYING DADDY’S GAME
I’LL GO INSANE IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE 
WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME 
DEAD MOM 


07 "Fright of Their Lives"[]

  • Beetlejuice: So then, I was like Let’s do this! And then she was like “But I don’t have any baby oil!” and then I was like “Well, I’ve got some guacamole.” And that is how I ‘made nachos’ with Catherine Hepburn.
  • Barbara Maitland: I’m sorry, why are we in the attic?
  • Beetlejuice: Oh yeah right! I’m gonna teach you guys how to be ghosts!
  • Adam Maitland: Oh! Barbara, it’s like one of our classes!
  • Barbara Maitland: Yeah! We take all these adult recreational classes, you know, ballroom dancing, backyard composting,
  • Adam Maitland: We just took this amazing glass blowing class
  • Barbara Maitland: It was SO hard! We mostly just watched and drank wine.
  • Adam Maitland: Yeah. And the teacher was Wiccan! So... kinda like this…
  • Beetlejuice: I am not Wiccan, and that is nothing like this. Don’t you wanna get these people out of your house?
  • Adam Maitland: Definitely.
  • Beetlejuice: Well then you have to learn how to scare them!
  • Barbara Maitland: Can’t you just scare the people for us?
  • Beetlejuice: Oh, Babs, I would LOVE that. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to kill those people downstairs.
  • Adam Maitland: Kill?!??!? Hold on! We do not want to kill people!
  • Beetlejuice: It’s a figure of speech Adam, okay? Jesus Christ, why do you gotta be so sexy? Now here’s the problem. Right now, no matter what I do, I cannot affect the world of the living. But the two of you can. So, what do you say?
  • Adam Maitland and Barbara Maitland: Let’s do it!
  • Beetlejuice: Okay! So, on the count of three just yell out the scariest thing you can think of! 1…2…3!
  • Barbara Maitland: THE TRADER JOE’S PARKING LOT!
  • Adam Maitland: The electoral college! Why is Ohio so powerful?!
  • Barbara Maitland: Ooh… I wanna change my answer!
"Beetlejuice" singing: 

OKAY
LISTEN UP, I'M NOT GONNA LIE
RIGHT NOW, YOU COULDN'T FRIGHTEN A FLY 
OR SCARE A SEAGULL OFF OF A FRY 
YOU EVER STOP TO ASK YOURSELVES "WHY?"
BOTH OF YOU ARE SUPER POLITE 
MIDDLE CLASS, SUBURBAN, AND WHITE
WELL, ALL OF THAT IS FINISHED TONIGHT
EXCEPT FOR THE WHITE PART OBVIOUSLY 
TAKE YOUR PLACES I WANT SCARY FACES NOW GO! 
BIGGER FURTHER HARDER NOT BAD
SEVER A HEAD PREFERABLY SOMEONE YOU KNOW 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: Look at me, I'm so scary!

"Adam Maitland" singing: Whose head is that?

"Barbara Maitland" singing: I don’t know…

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

DON'T BE SO VANILLA WOULD A LITTLE ANGER KILL YA?
C'MON, DROP YOUR PANTIES I'M TRYING TO FILL YA
WITH WISDOM AND SKILL AND THE INSTINCT TO KILL 

ADAM: Again, we do not want to kill anyone!

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

Fine! But somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya. I'm talkin' jump-scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk. Plus—learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

"Adam Maitland" singing: Now that is cool! I wanna do that!

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE 'EM GO CRAZY 
RAISING THE STAKES BY PUNCHING A BABY
SCARE 'EM AWAKE TILL THEY BREAK 
THEY'LL BE QUAKING IN FRIGHT
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT SOME EVIL DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU 
PUT ALL THE FARMER'S MARKETS BEHIND YOU 
YOU'VE GOTTA WORK GOTTA HAUNT TILL IT HURTS THROUGH THE NIGHT
AND GIVE THOSE GUYS THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES
YEAH YEAH! 

"Beetlejuice" says: 
Now after you scare them, while they’re still quaking in terror, you make them say this!

"Adam Maitland" says: Dolly Levi! Matchmaker

"Beetlejuice" says: Oh, nope, that’s the wrong card. This.

"Adam Maitland" says: Well this just says Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

"Beetlejuice" says: Bingo!

"Barbara Maitland" says: It’s your name, isn’t it?

"Beetlejuice" says: It’s my middle name. My first name is… Lawrence.

"Adam Maitland" says: Well, why do we have to make them say it? We’ve already said it a bunch of times!

"Beetlejuice" says: Well, it doesn’t matter if you say it Adam, THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE! Woah, sorry, I didn’t mean to yell it’s just…You make daddy so angry.

"Beetlejuice" singing: LET'S START WITH THINGS THAT YOU HATE 

"Adam Maitland" singing: HATE'S A VERY STRONG WORD 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: PERHAPS WHEN PEOPLE ARE LATE

"Adam Maitland" singing: OR GETTING POOPED ON BY BIRDS? 

"Beetlejuice" singing: NO, WHAT FILLS YOU WITH RAGE? 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: BEING MEAN TO A PET 

"Adam Maitland" singing: CHEFS WHO USE TOO MUCH SAGE WHEN THEY MAKE BEURRE NOISETTE

"Barbara Maitland" singing: OVER-GLUTINOUS FOOD

"Beetlejuice" singing: RIGHT.

"Adam Maitland" singing: OR WHEN KIDS CALL ME "DUDE"

"Beetlejuice" singing: SURE. 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: OH, I FIND THAT SO RUDE! 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

WELL, THERE'S LOTS THERE TO USE
TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND GIVE ME YOUR BEST PRIMAL SCREAM

"Barbara Maitland" singing: HAAAH! 

"Adam Maitland" singing: BARBARA, THAT WAS BRILLIANT! 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: REALLY? 

"Beetlejuice" singing: TRY IT AGAIN MAYBE THIS TIME PRETEND LIKE YOU MEAN IT

"Barbara Maitland" singing: AAAUUHH! 

"Adam Maitland" singing: THAT WAS EVEN BETTER! 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: THANKS!

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

I WANT FREEDOM
BUT TO GET MY FREEDOM, I NEED THEM 
TO GET A LIVING PERSON TO SAY MY NAME 

"Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE? 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

I KNOW THAT BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS
BUT DO THEY HAVE TO BE SUCH LOSERS?
BOTH OF THEM ARE DEATHLY DULL AND LAME 

"Adam Maitland", "Barbara Maitland" and an Choir singing: BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

WHY GOD-SLASH-SATAN, DID YOU SEND THESE BED WETTERS? 
EVEN, LIKE, A TAX ATTORNEY WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER
SOMEBODY WITH GRAVITAS SOMEBODY TO FEAR WHO— 

"Adam Maitland" says: Excuse me, Mr. Beetlejuice we can kind of hear you

"Beetlejuice" says: Oh yeah? Well that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude.

"Beetlejuice" singing: WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE 'EM GO CRAZY

"Barbara Maitland" singing: TURN ALL THE LIGHTS ON 

"Adam Maitland" singing: DRESS LIKE A BABY

"Beetlejuice" says: Adam... no.

"Beetlejuice" singing: GET YOUR HEADS IN THE GAME

"Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: LET'S HIDE THEIR PHONES! 

"Beetlejuice" singing: 

SCREW THEIR PHONES! 
UGH, THESE DOPES ARE BOTH HOPELESS 
HOW WILL I EVER SURVIVE?
UNLESS THEY GET THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES ("Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: YES YES, WE'RE FEELIN' IT, THEY'RE GONNA FEEL IT, WE'RE KILLIN' IT! )
THEY GOTTA GET THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES ("Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: WE'RE SCARY, VERY VERY SCARY!) 
THEY'LL NEVER GET THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES
UGH ("Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: YEAH!)
  • Beetlejuice: Well… BYE!
  • Barbara Maitland: Wait, what? You said you would help us!
  • Beetlejuice: I wanted to help you guys, it’s literally all I wanted, but the two of you are helpless. Here’s help, here’s you. It’s less.
  • Barbara Maitland: Well, what’d you expect? We’re not like you!
  • Beetlejuice: I KNOW THAT BARBARA! No one is like me! That’s the problem! (to audience.) I’m sorry everybody. I know that my name's on the marquee, but you’re going to have to watch a new show. The Maitlands: More Boring Than Brigadoon… That’s right, I said it. Fuck Brigadoon.
  • Adam Maitland: You’re just leaving?
  • Beetlejuice: YES ADAM! YES! This is not working out. So, goodbye. Sayonara. Don’t, DON’T text me in the middle of the night saying “U up?” because guess what? New phone, who dis? See you in hell, AGH, I’m gone… I’m gonna use the door. (a beat.) Hey guys?
  • Adam Maitland: Yeah?
  • Beetlejuice: Fuck you guys.
  • Adam Maitland: That guy! He needs therapy! I hope there’s a dead therapist somewhere that can give him the help he needs.
  • Barbara Maitland: So, now what? We can’t just stay in the attic!
  • Adam Maitland: What other choice do we have? There are people downstairs. Strangers. I didn’t like strangers when I was alive. Barbara! Those are the guest sheets!
  • Barbara Maitland: That needy pervert was right. If we want our house back, we have to fight for it!
  • Adam Maitland: Well, how? No one can see us!
  • Barbara Maitland: We're ghosts, damn it! Let's... haunt this bitch!
  • Adam Maitland: Barbara!


08 "Ready Set (Reprise)"[]

"Barbara Maitland" singing: 

OBLIVION CALLS
SO WE MIGHT AS WELL WALK THROUGH SOME WALLS
I'M SURE WE CAN HAUNT OUR OWN HALLS
'CAUSE ADAM, WE'RE READY AS WE'LL EVER GET 

"Adam Maitland" singing: 

IF WE WANNA WIN BACK OUR HOME
I GOTTA GET RIGHT OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: 

WE'LL RATTLE CHAINS AND I DON'T KNOW!
JUST WAIL AND MOAN UNTIL THEY GO 
ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? 

"Adam Maitland" singing: YES! READY, SET— 

"Barbara Maitland" singing: READY, SET—

"Adam Maitland" and "Barbara Maitland" singing: READY, SET, LET'S— 

(ADAM and BARBARA make "ghost" noises.)

LYDIA: Hey Delia! (snaps photo.) This is gonna be great. I think I really captured your essence.

DELIA: Lydia, you cannot just sneak up on people and take their essence. And also, I don’t model anymore. Unless I am paid upfront in cash, and learned that the hard way.

LYDIA: I just want something to remember you bye, when you’re gone.

DELIA: What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere!

LYDIA: I had a vision.

DELIA: Oh! That’s great! I had a vision once. I was in a sweat lodge. Well actually it was just this really hot apartment in Queens, where the doors locked from the outside.

LYDIA: In my vision, my dad and I are back in our old house in New York. Everything was the way it used to be. And you don’t exist.

DELIA: Lydia, I know that I am paid to care about you, but I’d like us to be real friends! So, I have an idea. Why don’t you and I clear out all that old junk in the attic, and build you a dark room!

LYDIA: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.

DELIA: And that is depressing. You know, my guru Otho says “Depression is like an ugly sweater. It’s okay at Christmas, but the rest of the year, you gotta put it away!” Which reminds me, I got you a new dress for your father’s business dinner! AHHH! It says, I’m warm, I’m friendly, and I think about death only a normal amount!

LYDIA: I prefer black.

DELIA: Black reminds me of a funeral! And this, this is a business dinner!

LYDIA: It could be both. A toast to my father and his all important business! Also, one of your wine glasses is poison!

DELIA: (aggressive.) LYDIA YOU GIVE ME THAT! (softly.) Smash. (a beat.) Lydia, right now you are redirecting anger and deflecting pain and other terms I learned in my training. What you need is a new perspective.

09 "No Reason"[]

“NO REASON”

DELIA: THE UNIVERSE

IS MORE THAN JUST SPACE WITH NO END LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!

JUST THINK OF THE UNIVERSE AS A FEMALE BEST FRIEND

AND YOU CAN BE LIKE "HEY, UNIVERSE, WHAT'S HAPPENIN', GIRL?"

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE "OH, NOTHIN'... JUST RUNNING THE WORLD."

AND YOU'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT?" AND THE UNIVERSE WILL BE LIKE "I KNOW!

YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, GIRL I GOT YOUR BACK, GIRL I'M HELPING YOU GROW"

THINK POSITIVE ACT POSITIVE

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE EARTH!

Life-coaching! Nailing it!

TIME TO TAKE COMMAND YOU DICTATE THE HAND THE UNIVERSE DEALS

LOOK! SCIENCE MAKES NO SENSE WHO NEEDS EVIDENCE?

GO WITH YOUR FEELS

I'M LIKE A RADIO TUNED TO THE STARS

I FOUND MY FREQUENCY CRYSTALS SPEAK TO ME

LYDIA: What are they saying?

DELIA: Buy more crystals!

EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

BE A BEACON OF LIGHT IN THE WORLD

PUT A LITTLE "ALRIGHT" IN THE WORLD

THERE ARE SPIRITUAL GUIDES ABOVE LOOK UP AND SEE 'EM

PERCEPTION IS REALITY

JUST LISTEN TO THE MELODY THE UNIVERSE SINGS

'CAUSE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

LYDIA: Gee, I hate to break it to you.

THE UNIVERSE IS JUST THE CONTENTS OF TIME, MATTER AND SPACE

DELIA: Yeah.

LYDIA: NINETY-ONE BILLION LIGHT-YEARS ACROSS AND THE EARTH'S A SMALL PLACE

WHERE GOOD PEOPLE DIE

DELIA: No—

LYDIA: Yeah.

IN FAMINE AND WARS

THE PACIFIC ISLANDS ARE SINKING BUT NEGATIVE THINKING IS HARDLY THE CAUSE

YOU THINK LIFE IS ALL UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS 'CAUSE YOU'RE BORED

DELIA: Unicorns are scary!

LYDIA: AND POSITIVITY IS A LUXURY THAT FEW CAN AFFORD

WE'RE GONNA DIE YES, YOU AND I

IN MEANINGLESSNESS AND ALONE...

DELIA: NO NO NO! NO! ONE DAY YOU MAY WAKE UP ALONE

LYDIA: Okay?

DELIA: 'CAUSE YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS BOYFRIEND BOUGHT A BOAT AND THEN THEY SAILED AWAY TO ROME

LYDIA: That's specific.

DELIA: SO YOU CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP IN DEEP DESPAIR

TALKIN' TO THE WALLS 'CAUSE THERE'S NO ONE THERE

AND YOU HAVE TO BUY A CAT

'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE TO HAVE A FAMILY

TAKE IT FROM ME!

THAT YOUR AGING ASS WILL HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT —

EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

PUT SOME MORE FUN IN THE WORLD

A LITTLE "I AM STILL YOUNG!!!" IN THE WORLD

BE PREPARED TO TAKE YOUR EGGS AND FREEZE 'EM —

LYDIA: Is this still about me?

DELIA: 'CAUSE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS—

LYDIA: SOUNDS LIKE TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN

BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS RANDOM

DELIA: YES, BUT- RANDOM FOR A REASON!

LYDIA: NO REASON!

THE MAITLANDS: (ghostly.) Leave this house! Leave this house!

ADAM: What the heck did they do to our house?

BARBARA: You can’t make every wall an accent wall!

LYDIA: Excuse me, are you ghosts? (THE MAITLANDS nod.) Oh my god! This house is haunted!

ADAM: Barbara, run! Hide! I can’t see! Stupid sheet!, (Ad lib.)

LYDIA: Dead Mom? I asked you to send me a sign. Is this it? Wait come back!

ADAM: Oh god! That was a disaster. I thought these were twin sheets! They’re queens!

LYDIA: Greetings, ghosts. My name is Lydia Deetz. Do not be afraid.

BARBARA: Why aren’t you afraid of us?

LYDIA: Because, you’re not scary. (a beat.) Unless, are you horribly disfigured? Is that why you’re wearing those sheets? Can I see?

BARBARA: We’re just a normal couple. I’m Barbara, this is Adam. We used to live here.

ADAM: I’m confused, you can see us without the sheets. We were told living people ignore the strange and unusual.

BARBARA: But not you.

LYDIA: Perhaps that’s because I myself, am strange and unusual.

BARBARA: You seem like a normal girl to me.

ADAM: So, Lydia since you can see us, let me get right to the point. Do you think you would mind leaving and never coming back?

BARBARA: Adam!

ADAM: I don’t mean her, I mean her family.

LYDIA: We’re not a family. We are father, daughter, and Delia.

BARBARA: Your mother, she…?

LYDIA: She died.

BARBARA: Oh, Lydia, I am so sorry.

LYDIA: Yeah, me too. ‘Cuz, she’d love this! I mean, real ghosts? We used to make the haunted houses in the garage, but, in the summer so no one expected it. Except, this one year we tried to do a classic horror theme. Mom was the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe! I thought she was terrifying, but nobody knew who she was. People don’t read. Sorry, I don’t mean to bore you guys, talking about my mom.

BARBARA: We don’t mind!

LYDIA: Really? My dad never wants me to talk about her. It’s like against the law at my house.

ADAM: Well, hey I do not see any cops around here!

BARBARA: Adam, that was awful!

LYDIA: No, it was adorable. It was like the perfect dad joke!

ADAM: Oh yeah? Well I’m warning you because I got millions of ‘em. And I never got the chance to use them while I was alive. So.

LYDIA: I really like you guys. This is the first nice moment I’ve had since I got here.

BARBARA: This is the first nice moment we’ve had since…since we died.

LYDIA: I don’t have a lot of friends so, if I have to live in this stupid house, at least I know I’ll have you guys in the attic.

ADAM: I’m sorry, I have to say it, this house is not stupid. It’s a classic Victorian with the original crown molding.

BARBARA: Adam,

ADAM: And your dad has made some big mistakes with the interior design!

BARBARA: Adam, that’s not why she doesn’t like it here.

ADAM: I know! I’m just saying it’s not stupid.

LYDIA: Hey… Maybe we can help each other…

BARBARA: What do you mean?

LYDIA: You guys want your house back, right? That’s what I want too. So let’s scare my dad! Once he realizes this house is haunted, we’ll have to leave!

BARBARA: But we’re invisible. Your dad can’t see us.

LYDIA: He doesn’t see me either. But together, we’ll make him see! C’mon! We invisibles have to stick together!

ADAM: Barbara?

BARBARA: Let’s do it!

(scene change.)

DELIA: Charles, that was the most spiritually nourishing rogering you have ever given me.

CHARLES: I am very good at sex. And yet, I worry. About the future. About Lydia.

DELIA: Oh, she’s so stubborn, I just need more time.

CHARLES: No, you have failed. And we should tell her that! This is so wrong, your my employee, but also my lover! It’s-

DELIA: Prostitution.

CHARLES: -Not good for Lydia. She needs stability. And here we are sneaking around like two teenagers at a church picnic. It has to stop.

DELIA: Wait, Charles, are you breaking up with me?

CHARLES: Delia!

DELIA: You’re firing me?

CHARLES: Delia!

DELIA: You’re breaking up with me AND firing me? Oh my god! Lydia’s vision was right!

CHARLES: Vision? What vision?

DELIA: Why does this always happen to me? Every single time I finally feel like I start to belong, it’s “Goodbye Delia” “You’re out of the band Delia” “Vishnu doesn’t need more disciples Delia!”

CHARLES: Delia! Wait! I’m not comfortable with…feelings…you know that. what I’m trying to say is; I hired you to help my daughter, but you have ended up helping me. We can’t hide this anymore. Do you understand what I’m proposing?

DELIA: No!

CHARLES: I’m proposing!

DELIA: Oh my god!

CHARLES: Delia Schlimmer, will you do me the honor… of signing a prenuptial agreement… and be my second wife?

DELIA: You bet your ass I will!

(LYDIA screams.)

CHARLES: Hide!

LYDIA: Dad! Dad there’s ghosts! They’re chasing me! They’re chasing me!

CHARLES: What? What are you talking about.

LYDIA: This house! It’s haunted!

THE MAITLANDS: (creepily.) Leave this house!

LYDIA: Do you see them?

CHARLES: What? No! See what?

LYDIA: The ghosts! They’re in the room with us. And they have scorpions for teeth! And their eyes! They’re made out of the devil!

CHARLES: Lydia! I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing right now, but-

LYDIA: We gotta get out of here! Go back to New York! Grab what you can and- (pulls blanket and reveals DELIA.) Delia?

DELIA: Hi.

LYDIA: Dad, why is Delia in your bed?

CHARLES: Lydia, I have asked Delia to marry me.

BARBARA: Oh, Lydia

LYDIA: What? Dad, no. No you can’t do that!

CHARLES: Lydia, this is a good thing. I need a wife. You need a mother.

LYDIA: I have a mother! Dad, there’s ghosts here. If this house is haunted, then that means mom might still be back at our old house!

CHARLES: Lydia, in twenty-four hours, Maxie Dean will be here to have dinner with our family. And I’d like us to be a family.

LYDIA: No!

DELIA: Lydia, look, I know that you’re upset, but maybe this is meant to be.

LYDIA: (to CHARLES.) I wish I was dead! (exits)

DELIA: Charles, maybe we shouldn’t have-

CHARLES: No. she just needs more time.

(thunder strike and scene change.)

10 "Invisible (Reprise)/On the Roof"[]

BEETLEJUICE: YOU'RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU'RE ME

THERE'S NO ONE TO SEE MY TRUTH

IF THEY COULD LOOK UP THEY'D SEE

"HEY, SOMEBODY'S ON THE ROOF!"

GOD, IT'S MORTIFYING

WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN TRYING?

'CAUSE NOW I'M TRAPPED WITH NO ESCAPE

BANISHED, DISAVOWED

I VANISHED LIKE A CLOUD OF DIRTY HIPSTER VAPE

NOBODY SAID LIFE'S FAIR

GUESS THEY WILL NEVER SEE

THE DEMON WHO ISN'T THERE

YOU'RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU'RE... ME

Whoa, what have we got here?

LYDIA: By the time you read this I, Lydia Deetz, will be gone there's nothing for me here I'm alone, forsaken, invisible…

BEETLEJUICE: That makes two of us

LYDIA: Who the hell are you?

BEETLEJUICE: Can you...see me?

LYDIA: Yeah, you look like a bloated zebra that a lion ripped apart and then didn’t eat because there was obviously something wrong with it, so it just rotted in the hot African sun.

BEETLEJUICE: You can see me!!

I'M GONNA HAVE A NEW BEST FRIEND

So! Living girl! Dead guy, what brings you to the roof?

LYDIA: I’m gonna jump!

BEETLEJUICE: NO! I mean, no… I have an idea, how about instead of impaling yourself on that birdbath, you uh, I don’t know, say my name three times…

LYDIA: What?

BEETLEJUICE: Please don’t make me beg. I will, I just, OKAY FINE I WILL. OKAY? I am SO sick and tired of being invisible and you, you can change all of that!

LYDIA: I can’t change anything! That’s why I’m doing this. Once I’m dead, my dad will be sorry!

BEETLEJUICE: NO! No he won’t, you’ll just be dead. Hey, I get it! You and me, we’re not that different. You don’t like your dad, and I don’t like my mom! She’s a demon, and she doesn’t get me. She’s always like “Get a job!” or “Why is your hair purple?” or “I should’ve left, like your father.” The point is, Maybe we can help each other out…

11 "Say My Name"[]

BEETLEJUICE: YOU COULD USE A BUDDY

DON'T YOU WANT A PAL? "YES I DO! YES I DO!"

GIRL, THE WAY I SEE IT

YOUR DADDY SHOULD BE LEAVIN' AND YOU SHOULD STICK AROUND

And kill him!

LYDIA: What?

BEETLEJUICE: Nothing.

SO, LYDIA, DON'T END YOURSELF DEFEND YOURSELF

DADDY IS THE ONE YOU SHOULD MAIM

TOGETHER WE'LL EXTERMINATE, ASSASSINATE

LYDIA: No!

BEETLEJUICE: THE FINER POINTS CAN WAIT

BUT FIRST YOU GOTTA SAY MY NAME!

GO AHEAD AND JUMP BUT THAT WON'T STOP HIM

HERE YOU GOT A SOLID PLAN B OPTION

I CAN BRING YOUR DADDY SO MUCH PAIN

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY MY NAME

GIRL, JUST SAY IT THREE TIMES IN A ROW

AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW FAR I'LL GO

I'M ON THE BENCH, BUT COACH— JUST PUT ME IN THE GAME

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY MY NAME

LYDIA: I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME.

BEETLEJUICE: WELL, I CAN'T SAY IT.

LYDIA: HOW 'BOUT A GAME OF CHARADES?

BEETLEJUICE: YES, LET'S PLAY IT!

LYDIA: TWO WORDS...

BEETLEJUICE: RIGHT.

LYDIA: SECOND WORD?

BEETLEJUICE: UH-HUH.

LYDIA: DRINK?

BEETLEJUICE: NO.

LYDIA: BEVERAGE?

BEETLEJUICE: NO.

LYDIA: WINE?

BEETLEJUICE: NO!

LYDIA: JUICE?!

BEETLEJUICE: YES!

LYDIA: OKAY. FIRST WORD...

BEETLEJUICE: OKAY.

LYDIA: BUG?

BEETLEJUICE: NO.

LYDIA: ANT?

BEETLEJUICE: CLOSE, BUT NO.

LYDIA: BEETLE?

BEETLEJUICE: YES!

LYDIA BEETLE-JUICE?

BEETLEJUICE: WOW, I'M IMPRESSED.

AND ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY MY NAME THREE TIMES.

THREE TIMES IN A ROW, IT MUST BE SPOKEN UNBROKEN.

READY?

LYDIA: YEAH...

BEETLEJUICE: OKAY, GO.

LYDIA: BEETLEJUICE...

BEETLEJUICE: YES...

LYDIA: BEETLEJUICE...

BEETLEJUICE: YES...

LYDIA: BEE—

BEETLEJUICE: OH! OH! THIS IS GONNA BE SO GOOD!

LYDIA: —CAUSE!

BEETLEJUICE: WHAT?

LYDIA: YOU'RE SO SMART A STAND-UP BRO

I'LL THINK ABOUT YOUR OFFER LET YOU KNOW

BUT I PREFER MY CHANCES DOWN BELOW

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

BEING YOUNG AND FEMALE DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M AN EASY MARK

I'VE BEEN SWIMMIN' WITH PIRANHAS

I DON'T NEED A SHARK

YES, LIFE SUCKS BUT NOT THAT MUCH

OKAY, BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

BE A DOLL AND SPARE THE LECTURE

BEETLEJUICE: I'M OFFERING YOU A FULL-TIME SPECTER

LYDIA: ARE YOU ANY GOOD?

BEETLEJUICE: YOU BETCHA

TRUST ME, BABY!

LYDIA: I JUST MET YA

REALLY, IT'S A FLATTERING OFFER

BEETLEJUICE: DON'T YOU WANNA SEE DAD SUFFER?

LYDIA: I THINK I'D RATHER JUST JUMP OFF

BEETLEJUICE: NO!

LYDIA: I MAY BE SUICIDAL

BUT BEETLEJUICE, IT'S NOT AS IF I'VE LOST MY MIND

BEETLEJUICE: So. Playing hardball, huh? You are tougher than you look.

LYDIA: Just wanna make sure I know who I'm working with. Got any references?

BARBARA: Lydia, there you are!

ADAM: Are you alright?

BEETLEJUICE: A-dog, B-town, my old pals!

ADAM: You get away from her! Lydia, this is a dangerously unstable individual.

(BEETLEJUICE possesses BARBARA and ADAM.)

BARBARA: BEETLEJUICE IS SEXY!

ADAM: BEETLEJUICE IS SMART!

MAITLANDS: BJ IS A GRADUATE OF JUILLIARD!

HE CAN HELP WE FOUND HIM ON YELP

OUR TROUBLES ALL ENDED ON THE DAY THAT WE BEFRIENDED HIM

EVERY WORD IS THE TRUTH

BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE!

BARBARA: What the heck was that?

ADAM: So violating!

BEETLEJUICE: There you go, kid. Couple of five-star reviews.

LYDIA: WHAT WAS THAT?

BEETLEJUICE: THAT WAS POSSESSION.

ANY GHOST CAN DO THAT IN LESS THAN ONE LESSON.

LYDIA: ANY GHOST?

BEETLEJUICE: PRETTY MUCH, ANY GHOST'LL DO, SURE.

LYDIA: THEN, BEETLEJUICE...

WHAT DO I NEED YOU FOR?

BEETLEJUICE: WHOA, WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!

HOLD UP! HOLD UP, GIRL! I'M YOUR PAL

THEY'RE SWEET, BUT I'M A DEMON STRAIGHT FROM HELL

I KNOW, I WENT A LITTLE HARD ON THE SELL

BUT WE'RE BF-F-F-F'S FOREVER!

(LYDIA pushes BEETLEJUICE off of the roof.)

MAITLANDS: LYDIA!

LYDIA: What? He was already dead. And you heard what he said, any ghost can do that possession stuff.

ADAM: Do you mean us? Because I don’t think we can.

BARBARA: Fool your friends, fun at parties… I DID IT!

ADAM: Barbara!!

LYDIA: See? We can do this!

WE DON'T NEED THAT DEMON

THE THREE OF US ALONE CAN WRECK DAD'S EVENING

TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A GROWN MAN WEEP

GUYS, I GOT A DINNER DATE TO KEEP

ADAM: OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?

LYDIA: TEACH DAD A LESSON

HE'S GONNA FREAK WHEN WE POSSESS HIM

SO, HE WANTS THE PERFECT DAUGHTER

I'LL LEAD THAT LAMB TO SLAUGHTER

YEAH, I GOT GAME! I'M GONNA MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME

(MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME)

I'LL MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME

(MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME)

I'LL MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME (MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME)

NOT RUNNING AWAY!

I'LL MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME!

(Scene change to the Deetz house.)

CHARLES: Where is the shrimp? Get the shrimp! Maxie Dean loves shrimp! (a beat.) He’s here! Delia!

DELIA: Charles! Does this dress say “Mindfulness?”

CHARLES: My god, woman. We do not have time to make screaming, passionate, love right now. But I swear to you, we will. We will. (doorbell rings.) Where’s Lydia?

DELIA: Still locked in her room!

CHARLES: Damnit! We will just have to do this without her. (Charles and Delia try a Hi-five) Oh, so close!

(opens door.)

MAXIE DEAN: CHUCK!!! You old swaddler! Put ‘er there!

CHARLES: Maxie! I’m so glad you could make it! Welcome to our model home. I designed it to reflect wealth, sophistication, and above all-

LAWYER #1: Charles Deetz!

LAWYER #2: Hello!

LAWYER #3: Charles.

CHARLES: You brought your legal team?

MAXIE DEAN: I’m rich. Chuck, I never leave home without them (he and MAXINE erupt into laughter.) Oh, speaking of luggage, have you met my fourth wife?

MAXINE: OH STOP! He is so mean to me! I’m his fifth wife!

CHARLES: I see! I’d like to meet my fiancé, Delia.

DELIA: Namaste.

MAXINE: Ooh! Tiramisu!

DELIA: Excuse me?

MAXIE DEAN: Oh, don’t mind her. My baby's got a body that doesn’t quit and a brain that doesn’t work!

MAXINE: See? So mean. But, it’s true, I was kicked in the head by a dressage horse.

CHARLES: How about we eat!

MAXIE DEAN: Great idea, I’m famished. Say Chuck, didn’t you used to have a daughter?

CHARLES: Oh yes, Lydia, she uh, I’m afraid she won’t be joining us. The fact is, she’s been having a hard time since...

LYDIA: Oh father! Oh father dear! Did I hear the dinner bell?

CHARLES: Lydia!

DELIA: Life coaching! It’s not a fad! Do the research!

LYDIA: So sorry I’m late everybody.

CHARLES: Your dress! You look-

MAXIE DEAN: Lydia! What an effervescent young lady you are. Your father was trying to hide you from us. What’s a matter Chuck? Afraid I’d marry her? (laughs.)

MAXINE: And he’ll do it! (laughs) He’ll do it.

LYDIA: Wow, this is going to be such an interesting night! But first, I think it would be so wonderful if our newest family member would make a toast! Delia!

DELIA: Why thank you, future step-daughter.


12 "Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)"[]

DELIA Business friends: I have only known this amazing, amazing man and his unique daughter for a few months— I don't even know how many, I'd have to check my pay stubs!— but, as my guru Otho always says—

DAY-O!

MAXIE DEAN: What?

LYDIA: What's goin' on, Delia? Are you all right?

DELIA: Um, heh heh, uh... I am so sorry, I don't... I don't know what just happened. I meant to say—

ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY-O!

CHARLES: Delia? Do you need to lie down?

DELIA: No! No, I just need to—

DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

What is happening to me?

CHARLES: Maxie!

MAXIE DEAN: Yes?

CHARLES: On behalf of Delia and myself, I'd just like to say—

WORK ALL NIGHT ON A DRINK OF RUM

ALL (but LYDIA): DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME

DELIA: STACK BANANA TILL THE MORNING COME, BRRAH!

ALL (excluding LYDIA): DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

DAY, ME SAY DAY-O

DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

CHARLES: COME MISTER TALLY MAN, TALLY ME BANANA

ALL (excluding LYDIA): DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

MAXIE DEAN: Come mister tally man, tally me banana

ALL (excluding LYDIA): DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

CHARLES: Lydia! Call 9-1-1! Wait, why aren't you dancing?

LYDIA: It's like I told you, Dad: This house is haunted and the ghosts who live here... want you out! Barbara, the pig!

BARBARA: Who wants bacon?

DELIA: No! No! I'm a vegan!

CHARLES: A BEAUTIFUL BUNCH OF RIPE BANANA

ALL (excluding LYDIA): DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

MAXINE: HIDE THE DEADLY BLACK TARANTULA

PIG: DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

ALL: LIFT SIX FOOT, SEVEN FOOT, EIGHT FOOT BUNCH

DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

SIX FOOT, SEVEN FOOT, EIGHT FOOT BUNCH

DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

CHARLES: Maxie! Please, forgive me! If I had known—

MAXIE DEAN: Chuck, you moron! Don't apologize! We're gonna be rich!

CHARLES: What?

LYDIA: What?

MAXIE DEAN: I was never gonna invest in your stupid "gated community." But a genuine haunted house? It's a gold mine!

LYDIA: No!

CHARLES: Do you hear that, Delia? These ghosts are gonna make us a fortune!

LYDIA: No, you're supposed to be scared!

ADAM: Lydia, we're so sorry! It didn't work.

LYDIA: There's one thing that can still stop him.

BARBARA: Lydia, no, you don't know what will happen.

LYDIA: I can't keep living like this! Beetlejuice!

BEETLEJUICE: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I'm so glad you changed your mind. You are never gonna regret this!

LYDIA: Beetlejuice...

BEETLEJUICE: We are gonna make such a great team! Give me just one... more...

LYDIA: Beetlejuice!

(the gong rings)

BEETLEJUICE: It's showtime!

(thunder sounds happen in the house as everyone is in a state of fear)

DELIA: What the- WHAT'S HAPPENING?? I DON'T LIKE THIS!!

BEETLEJUICE: (spotlights to reveal Beetlejuice as he is finally been unleashed) Welcome, welcome, welcome! (points to the sign up top that says, "Betelgeuse") Can everybody see me? (they scream except for Lydia and the Maitlands) Oh God, I missed that sound.

LYDIA: You wouldn’t listen dad. And now this is what you get.

BEETLEJUICE: Yeah, Dad! This is what you get!

BARBARA: Stop this! You made your point!

BEETLEJUICE: Get porked, Babs!

(the pig turns and chases Barbara and she screams and runs off)

ADAM: Barbara! Climb onto something! Pigs can’t climb! (exits)

BEETLEJUICE: And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Step right up and let’s play a game that I like to call “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

(at that moment, the monster Beetlejuice unleashes appears out of nowhere)

MONSTER: You're not invisible when you're me!

MAXIE DEAN: Run!

(everyone screams except for Lydia as everyone leaves the house in horror except for Lydia)

MONSTER: We come for your daughter, Chuck!

CHARLES: Lydia!

MONSTER: (laughs)

(Charles and Delia leave the house)

LYDIA: He’s really gone!

BEETLEJUICE: Oh yeah. It's our house now, kid!

(the house officially becomes Beetlejuice's and Lydia's house now as it's transformed from green to white and black; Lydia is in awe by this)

LYDIA: Whoa...

BEETLEJUICE: Looks like we're not invisible anymore!

(Lydia and Beetlejuice laugh and... BLACKOUT)

Act 2[]

13 "Girl Scout"[]

GIRL SCOUT: THIS IS IT THE DAY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

WISHING, HOPING, WORKING, AND PRAYING FOR

THE DAY MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN DELAYING FOR YEARS

OOH, I'M GONNA SELL SOME COOKIES

IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THAT THEY'RE OVERPROTECTIVE

I WAS BORN WITH ARRHYTHMIA MY HEART IS DEFECTIVE

ONLY TAKES ONE SHOCK AND I COULD BE DEAD FROM THE FEAR

STILL, I'M GONNA SELL SOME COOKIES

HIKE BY HIKE, SONG BY SONG

THE GIRL SCOUTS HELPED MY HEART GROW STRONG

THEY'D HAVE MY BACK IF ANYTHING WENT WRONG WITH ME

(gasp)

JAMBOREES, SODA POP

DISTRACT ME FROM THE FACT THAT MY HEART COULD STOP

FROM TETRALOGY OF FALLOT IN MY PULMONARY ARTERY!

WHEE! WHEN YOU'RE A GIRL SCOUT

EVERYTHING'S GONNA WORK OUT

EVEN IF YOU'RE BORN WITH CONGENITAL HEART DISEASE

AND YOU COULD BE KILLED BY A RANDOM SNEEZE

YOU'RE A GIRL SCOUT

AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA WORK OUT

JUST GONNA RING THE BELL OF THIS CREEPY LOOKING HOUSE

LYDIA: HELLO, LITTLE GIRL

GIRL SCOUT: Oh, um, yes, um,

HI MY NAME IS SKY

AND I'M HERE TODAY TO SUPPORT THE GIRL SCOUTS BY SELLING COOKIES

FOUR DOLLARS A BOX

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

LYDIA: SURE

GIRL SCOUT: REALLY?

LYDIA: YEAH WHAT FLAVOURS YOU GOT?

GIRL SCOUT: WELL, I'VE GOT CHOCOLATE, BANANA AND OAT BRAN, PECAN

SAMOAS AND THIN MINTS

AND ONE THAT TASTES LIKE APPLE PIE

LYDIA: WHY DON'T YOU COME INSIDE?

GIRL SCOUT: BUT, WE'RE REALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO

LYDIA: WHY?

GIRL SCOUT: PEDOPHILES

BUT IT'S SO COLD, AND YOU'RE NOT MEAN

AND NO ONE GETS MOLESTED BY A GOTHY TEEN

SO I GUESS, OKAY, IT'S FINE

LYDIA: YEAH?

GIRL SCOUT: ALRIGHT, I'LL COME INSIDE

It's so dark in here.

LYDIA: Is it? I hadn't noticed

GIRL SCOUT: Don’t worry! I’m always prepared. Boo. (giggle) Just kidding! Hope I didn’t scare you (screams) ARITHMIA 1…2…3…4

LYDIA: You’re fun!

GIRL SCOUT: I like you too!

LYDIA: Let me get you some cash for those cookies!

GIRL SCOUT: Okay... Well- Maybe I should come back another time when your parents are home?

BEETLEJUICE: BOO!

(GIRL SCOUT screams)

14 "That Beautiful Sound"[]

BEETLEJUICE: DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?

(GIRL SCOUT screams)

LYDIA: THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

(GIRL SCOUT screams)

BEETLEJUICE: THAT IS THE SOUND, OF CLEAN, WHITE, SHORTS TURNING BROWN

TORTURE AND PAIN

(GIRL SCOUT screams)

BREAKING A BRAIN

GIRL SCOUT: This is so weird!

BEETLEJUICE: A SOUND THAT SAYS

I WILL NEVER SLEEP WELL AGAIN

(GIRL SCOUT screams as Beetlejuice scares her one more time before she runs off)

LYDIA: THE SOUND OF A SCREAM, IS MUSIC TO ME

A SOUND THAT SAYS FIFTEEN YEARS FULL-TIME THERAPY

BEETLEJUICE: TRAUMA AND FEAR, IT SINGS IN MY EAR

BEETLEJUICE/LYDIA: AIN'T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE AROUND, THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

BEETLEJUICE: Ooh! Someone's at the door

LYDIA: You wanna answer it this time?

BEETLEJUICE: More than anything!

LYDIA: Don't oversell it, act natural

BEETLEJUICE: I'm sorry, you're giving me advice?

CENSUS AGENT: Hello, I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau, got time for a few, OH MY GOD!

BEETLEJUICE: Hi!

CENSUS AGENT: How many people live here?

LYDIA: Just me

CENSUS AGENT: Oh, and you?

BEETLEJUICE: Oh, I don't live here, I'm dead!

PANIC AND STRESS

LYDIA: PANIC AND STRESS

BEETLEJUICE: OH AIN'T IT THE BEST

LYDIA: AIN'T IT THE BEST

BEETLEJUICE/LYDIA: THE SOUND OF HEART EXPLODING INSIDE A CHEST

LYDIA: IT FILLS YOU WITH PRIDE

BEETLEJUICE: WE'RE RUINING LIVES

BEETLEJUICE/LYDIA: AIN'T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE IN TOWN, THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

BEETLEJUICE: Hey! You know what would make all this even more awesome?

LYDIA: What?

BEETLEJUICE: More me!

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

FELLAS!

BEETLEJUICES: ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND

(DANCE BREAK)

BEETLEJUICE: Hey. Watch. Wee!

LYDIA: Hey!

BEETLEJUICE: Nice moves Lydia! Ooh, ooh, somebody's at the door; alright, Let's make some more people scream!

DELIVERY MAN: Package for Deetz!

BEETLJUICE: You know overnight delivery cost extra

LYDIA: What a rip off

BEETLEJUICE: Oh! Okay, okay - shh!

PIZZA MAN: Pizza for Deetz

LYDIA: Hey, what'd you order?

BEETLEJUICE: Pepperoni, mushrooms and snakes!

PIZZA MAN: Snakes?

BEETLEJUICE: Ugh, holy moly, a lot of people come to this house, lights!

NEIGHBOR: Hello?! New neighbors?! I brought you a pie?! It's from the store! Oh I don't see anything -- Aah!

BEETLEJUICE: Hi there, ahahaha! Hey Lydia, check this out— Dance break! Lady, you're forgetting something!

YES I HEAR THAT SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

LYDIA: A SOUND THAT MEANS NO MORE CONDESCENDING ADULTS HANGING AROUND

BEETLEJUICE: EVERY GROAN

BEETLEJUICE/LYDIA: EACH WAIL AND EACH MOAN

ADDS UP TO DADDY'S LEAVIN'

LYDIA: ME THE HELL ALONE!

HEY LOOK AT ME

I'M FINALLY FREE

I WAS INVISIBLE BUT NOW THEY ALL SEE

THEY'RE OUT OF MY GRILL BECAUSE OF THAT

ALL: SHRILL SYMPHONY

AIN'T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE AROUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

SOUND, SOUND, SOUND

SOUND, SOUND, SOUND

SOUND, SOUND, SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

BEETLEJUICE: Well, well, well, kid. Look at you. First time haunting your own genuine haunted house, and you’re a natural. But, if you’re going to live like a ghost, you have to follow the rules. Rule number 1: Don’t leave the house.

LYDIA: Why not?

BEETLEJUICE: (snaps fingers, the door opens, and the Sandworm attacks) That’s why not!

LYDIA: What is that?!

(the door closes once Beetlejuice tells someone to close it)

BEETLEJUICES: YEAH!

BEETLEJUICE: That is a sandworm. And they eat ghosts. FORESHADOWING. Rule number two: every new ghost gets a tote bag!

LYDIA: National public radio?

BEETLEJUICE: That’s where tote bags come from. There's lots of cool stuff in there! There’s a Toblerone, a bath bomb, a book you’re never going to read.

LYDIA: Handbook For The Recently Deceased?

BEETLEJUICE: That’s it! Every dead person gets one, but since you’re not actually dead, wanna see a sad puppet show?

LYDIA: Can I use this to find my mom?

BEETLEJUICE: Your mom? Your mom’s dead, she’s in the Netherworld.

LYDIA: The Netherworld? Can I bring her back? Could I bring her back here?

(Beetlejuice looks at his clones, silent for a moment, then they laugh along with Beetlejuice)

BEETLEJUICE: (motions the clones to stop laughing) Woah! What? Why would anyone wanna spend more time with their mother? Did I mention that my mom’s a demon? She’s impossible. She would start drinking, and I’d be like “Mom stop drinking. It’s either me or the booze.” And she’d be like “Well, then I choose…the booze.” The point is, we just got rid of your dad, and we were having SO much fun together!

LYDIA: I can’t open it.

BEETLEJUICE: Well, yeah, because you’re not recently deceased.

LYDIA: Oh. I’ll just ask Adam and Barbara.

BEETLEJUICE: Uh, wait what? Where are you going? You’re leaving me?

LYDIA: I’m gonna get the book open!

BEETLEJUICE: I thought we were pals!

LYDIA: What are you talking about? I’m gonna find my mom!

BEETLEJUICE: Well then what am I supposed to do! Can you believe that? After everything I’ve done for her. Alone. Again. You know what it feels like to get everything you thought you ever wanted, but still feel like no one will every love you? This guy knows what I’m talking about, I gotta get out of here! I need to really live, really connect! Everyone can see me now, but if I were alive, I could get out of the house, meet my kind of people. You know, socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. And there is a way. All I have to do is convince Lydia to marry me.

BEETLEJUICES: WHAT?

BEETLEJUICE: Where’d I lose you? It’s not a real marriage. OH! It’s like a green card thing! Yeah Yeah Yeah. And I’ve got a plan! Of course I might have to get a little mean. I might have to get a little nasty. Well, if you wanna treat me like a demon, then I’ll be a demon.

“THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND (REPRISE)”

BEETLEJUICE: DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND THE

SOUND OF A SUPER EVIL PLAN GOING DOWN

BEING BAD ROCKS

SHE’S IN FOR A SHOCK

AS SOON AS SHE LIFTS THE LID ON

ALL: PANDORA’S BOX

BEETLEJUICE: I’M A MAN WITH THE PLAN

BEETLEJUICES: A MAN WITH THE PLAN

BEETLEJUICE: I LIVE TO CONNIVE

BEETLEJUICES: HE LIVES TO CONNIVE

BEETLEJUICE: AND SOON I’LL BE LIVIN’

IT’S ALMOST A GIVEN THAT I WILL ALL SOON BE ALIVE

BEETLEJUICE: I’LL BE UNSHACKLED

COME ON LET’S CACKLE SOON I’LL BE

ALL PAINTING THE TOWN!

AIN’T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE AROUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

BEETLEJUICE: THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND!

ADAM: He’s going to kill someone! Someone’s gonna get killed!

BARBARA: And Lydia, she can’t live like this!

ADAM: I have an idea! Let’s chop off his head.

BARBARA: (a beat.) Yes.

LYDIA: Who are we decapitating?

BARBARA: Beetlejuice.

LYDIA: You should! He’d love that.

ADAM: You know, hate is a very strong word. But I (a beat.) do not like him!

LYDIA: Yeah. He’s a monster. But he’s my monster. And he gave me this.

ADAM: What is that? Is that an old book? I love old books.

BARBARA: There are two kinds of people in this world. New Car smell people...

ADAM: ...and Old Book smell people

LYDIA: And we, are old book smell people.

(they sniff.)

BARBARA: Handbook For The Recently Deceased?

LYDIA: I just need one of you to open it! Adam, wanna do the honors?

ADAM: Oh boy! This is exciting!

BARBARA: Lydia, why did Beetlejuice give that to you?

LYDIA: I’m gonna use it to bring my mom back from the Netherworld.

BARBARA: Netherworld?

ADAM: Here we go!

LYDIA: Woah!

ADAM: Woah. This is such an interesting font! Okay, chapter one. The Netherworld. All ghosts shall proceed directly to the Netherworld. Well that would’ve been good to know.

LYDIA: Does it say anything about summonings or seances?

ADAM: Hang on. It says…we should draw a door. Now normally, I would use a plumbline for this, but I’m not too shabby with a freehand. (draws door.) It’s a little crooked. Knock three times. Here goes nothing.

(knocks three times.)

LYDIA: Is that the Netherworld?

ADAM: (as if he’s possessed.) Netherworld.

BARBARA: Adam?

ADAM: Netherworld

BARBARA: Adam! (closes door.) This book is dangerous!

LYDIA: What no! Don’t close it!

BARBARA: This is all wrong!

LYDIA: I thought you were on my side!

BARBARA: We are! But Lydia, you can’t live like this! In a haunted house, all alone!

LYDIA: I have been alone since my mom died! I have a chance to see her again, please!

BARBARA: I can’t, it’s just too risky!

LYDIA: Then I’ll find a way to do it myself.

ADAM: Lydia! Wait!

BARBARA: We’re scared for you!

LYDIA: You’re scared of everything! That’s why you’re stuck in the attic!

ADAM: Well that wasn’t very nice. And I like the attic! It’s the one room in the house that’s still ours!

BARBARA: Adam... Is she right?

15 "Barbara 2.0"[]

BARBARA LOOK AT THIS STUFF

GOD, IT'S DEPRESSING

ADAM: You don't like this stuff? Barbara, this is our stuff...

BARBARA: A SHRINE TO THE FEELINGS WE'VE BEEN REPRESSING

ADAM: Well, then maybe we should go

BARBARA: UNFINISHED PROJECTS MEANINGLESS OBJECTS

PLANS I ABANDONED OR QUIT

IT'S THE STUFF OF OUR LIVES

AND ALL OF IT'S SHIT

ADAM: What? Barbara?!

BARBARA: BOOKS ON COMPUTERS

A "SPIN-YOUR-OWN-YARN" KIT?

ADAM: Okay, that... Wasn't as much fun as I thought it'd be...

BARBARA: HOME-BREWED KOMBUCHA

THAT TASTED LIKE ARMPIT

ADAM: We are not kombucha people. We did find that out.

BARBARA: TAKE IT AND TRASH IT

BURN IT OR SMASH IT

WE HAVE TO ADAPT TO SURVIVE

WE CAN BE FIGHTERS WITH FIRE INSIDE US

WE'RE MORE THAN DETRITUS WE'RE FINALLY ALIVE!

THE BARBARA YOU MARRIED

SHE IS DEAD AND BURIED

SIX FEET BELOW

AND NOW BARBARA THE DOORMAT

SHE'S COMING BACK IN A NEW FORMAT

TIME TO LET GO

SAY HELLO TO BARBARA 2.0!

ADAM: I never even used this... and then I felt bad that I never used it

BARBARA: Break it!

ADAM: BARBARA, YOU'RE RIGHT

I THINK I'VE BEEN HIDING

BARBARA: I was too! I don't even like pottery!

ADAM: STUCK OUT OF SIGHT

LIKE MY UN-USED ALUMINUM SIDING

BARBARA: We are not aluminum siding people!

ADAM: TRAGIC AND STATIC

TRAPPED IN THIS ATTIC

NOW ADAM IS SHEDDING HIS SKIN

NO MORE EXCUSES

WE'RE NO LONGER USELESS

WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE

WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN!

THE NEW ADAM IS WISER

THE OLD ONE'S FERTILIZER

IT'S TIME TO LET GO

SAY HELLO!

BARBARA: I'M TIRED OF DOORS

TO BETTER OR MORE

WE COULD JUST WALK BUT WE'VE DONE THAT BEFORE

WHAT WE CANNOT IGNORE IS LYDIA NEEDS US

ADAM: THAT MUST BE THE REASON SHE SEES US

BARBARA: ADAM, I WANNA STAY

SHE NEEDS PEOPLE WHO WON'T RUN AWAY

FRIENDS WHO DON'T STOP AT PROBLEMS OR OBSTACLES

NOT A HOUSE, BUT A HOME

MAITLANDS: READY, SET, LET'S GO!

TIME TO LET GO

'CAUSE THE NEW UPGRADED MAITLANDS

ARE CHARGING OUT THE GATES AND

THEY'RE GONNA UNLOAD SAY HELLO...

TO MAITLANDS 2.0!

MAITLANDS 2.0!

MAITLANDS 2.0!

CHARLES: HELLO! Stripey Ghost Man? I’ve come to pry my beloved daughter from your cold dead hands. (DELIA screams.) Delia, that was just the wind.

DELIA: But what if it’s Lydia? What if she’s possessed? What if Lydia’s in my head right now?

CHARLES: Delia, there is nothing in your head.

DELIA: Charles!

CHARLES: Except brains. Big beautiful brains.

DELIA: You have a big brain.

CHARLES: You have a big brain.

DELIA: You have a big brain.

CHARLES: You made it big. Now let’s hurry up and leave this god forsaken house. Let’s save Lydia and get the hell out of here. Where is that damned exorcist?

DELIA: About that. I have some good news. I cancelled the exorcist, and I’ve hired someone better. My guru…Otho!

CHARLES: Sweet Jesus, Delia we need a real exorcist! You saw that monster! Who knows what he’s done to Lydia!

DELIA: No, I thought you’d be proud of me for taking inititAHve.

CHARLES: I am. I’m super proud.

DELIA: It’s like my guru Otho always says, “If you don’t take a chance, you don’t have a chance, because you didn’t take it!”

(Otho enters the house)

OTHO: I do always say that!

DELIA: Otho!

OTHO: Delia! My disciple! Spirit hug!

DELIA/OTHO: Life is life. Love is love. Live a life of love!

CHARLES: Okay…Otho! Buddy, thanks for coming, but we are dealing with a haunted house here. I’m not sure you’re equipped.

OTHO: Delia? What do I always say about doubt?

DELIA: The ‘b’ is silent, but it still stings.

OTHO: No, not that one.

DELIA: Why say doubt, when you can stop at do.

OTHO: Not that one.

DELIA: Doubt. It has ‘u’ but doesn’t have a ‘me’

OTHO: That’s the one. You see Charles, as a life coach, I have but one enemy.

CHARLES: Death?

OTHO: Let me say it… (dramatically) DEATH! I study death, I think like death, I spent a long holiday weekend in a Red Roof Inn with death! And I’m still here! So! I’m the perfect person to help you battle your ghost

DELIA: You can’t argue with that!

CHARLES: Wouldn’t even know where to start.

OTHO: Good... so, I HAVE the job!

CHARLES: Delia

DELIA: Otho’s never let me down!

CHARLES: Well, we have to do something.

OTHO: Then let’s get to it! Right now, just outside the walls of this house, nestled in the hatch back of my Toyota Prius, is a mysterious object of my own design. It’s the perfect weapon to help you vanquish your ghost. I call it “The Soulbox”

DELIA: Woah!

OTHO: Yes, (imitating DELIA) Woah! I’m going to suck your ghost…into it and trap it there forever!. Now, to the Prius!

DELIA: AH! This is already the BEST exorcism I’ve ever been to!

CHARLES: Oh lord.

LYDIA: Dad came back for me? God, why can’t he just leave me alone?

BEETLEJUICE: I know right? What a jerk!

LYDIA: Well, I’m not going with them! I’m bringing my mom back!

BEETLEJUICE: Hey! I’m on your side, and I always will be. Scouts honor, but that books got a lot of dangerous stuff in it. Let me point you to the right page.

LYDIA: I can’t open it. I had it open for a second but the Maitlands slammed it shut.

BEETLEJUICE: Whaaaat? Oh, my God! Ugh, classic Maitlands. You know what? They’re the real villains of this show.

LYDIA: What?

BEETLEJUICE: Nothing, so your dad wants to suck me into this fancy box. But when he turns it on, what if your mom shows up instead?

LYDIA: You can do that?

BEETLEJUICE: No. But you can. Let’s get that book open. OO! Shade Maternal, Fate Infernal. Yup, that’s the one.

OTHO: (offstage.) Careful Charles! Lift with your back!

BEETLEJUICE: Quick! Up the stairs! Make them think that they’re in control! And then, spring the trap.

LYDIA: Classic Bait and Switch.

BEETLEJUICE: (sinisterly.) The oldest trick in the book.

OTHO: Watch out ghost!

CHARLES: Otho! Is this thing safe?

OTHO: I don’t know. Keep it away from your sensitive parts.

CHARLES: What?

OTHO: Put it over here.

DELIA: Otho, I noticed that the Soulbox is both glowing and making a noise. What does that mean?

OTHO: So glad that you asked. That means it’s working! Sucks-Yes! Now Charles, we’ve not yet discussed my fee. Normally, I perform exorcisms por bono, but you made me come to Connecticut.

LYDIA: Leave this house!

CHARLES: Lydia!

DELIA: SEE? I TOLD YOU POSSESSED!

LYDIA: The ghosts who live here want you gone! And so do I!

BEETLEJUICE: HAHAHA!

CHARLES: Otho! The Soulbox!

OTHO: Okay!

ADAM: Lydia wait!

BARBARA: You were right. We want to help you!

LYDIA: I don’t want your help. I’m bringing my mom back, and none of you can stop me!

CHARLES: What?!

LYDIA: Shade Maternal, Fate Infernal, I summon thee with Saturn’s breath.

CHARLES: Lydia!

LYDIA: Mother nearest, heart how dearest. Now rise, and be released from death!

ADAM: Barbara!

LYDIA: Barbara?

ADAM: (BARBARA screams.) OH GOD! What’d you do!?

LYDIA: I don’t know! I thought I was bringing my mom back!

ADAM: (BARBARA screams.) Help her!

LYDIA: I don’t know how! I don’t know what I did

ADAM: What’s happening?

BEETLEJUICE: Exorcism. Death for the dead.

“THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING PART 4”

BEETLEJUICE: HEY GUYS

AWESOME SÉANCE

LOTS OF GOOD OLD FASHIONED CHAOS!

YOU LOOSE! IN YOUR FACES!

‘CUZ LOOK WHO'S HOLDING ALL THE ACES!

ADAM: You did this!

BEETLEJUICE: No, she did! We could’ve been such a great team. But you wanted your mommy. So this is what you get!

LYDIA: You lied to me!

BEETLEJUICE: Sorry, kid. Classic Bait and Switch. Oldest trick in the book!

LYDIA: What do you want?

BEETLEJUICE: I’m tired of being alone! And life is the only way out! So if you wanna save Barbara, then I need you to marry me!

ALL (BUT BEEJ): WHAT?

BEETLEJUICE: It’s a green card thing!

CHARLES: That’s insane, she’s not- (BEETLEJUICE uses his powers to shut up CHARLES.)

ADAM: Somebody do something! (BEETLEJUICE does the same to ADAM.)

BEETLEJUICE: HEY IT’S GREAT THAT YOU ATE UP MY PLAN

NOW THE POOCH HAS BEEN SCREWED AND THE SHIT HIT THE FAN

YOU WANTED ME GONE

LYDIA: I didn’t have a choice

BEETLEJUICE: YOU WANTED YOUR MOM

LYDIA: It’s my fault she’s dying!

BEETLEJUICE: YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG BOOK

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

(BARBARA screams.)

LYDIA: Okay. Alright. I’ll do it. I’ll marry you!

(as she says it, Beetlejuice stops the chaos and uses his powers to put Barbara down)

“GOOD OLD FASHIONED WEDDING”

BEETLEJUICE: THERE’S GONNA BE A

GOOD OLD FASHIONED WEDDING WITH SOME DANCING AND UN-DEADING

WHERE THE COVER BAND IS CRANKING

AND THE AGE-GAP IS UPSETTING

WHEN I FINALLY SAY “I DO”

I’LL BE ALIVE AND BORN ANEW

AND I’LL BE BORING JUST LIKE YOU

OH BOY, I’M ON MY WAY

It’s finally time for you two to go to the Netherworld! See ya suckers!

LYDIA: Netherworld? Wait!

BEETLEJUICE: Yes dear?

LYDIA: You have to let me say goodbye.

BEETLEJUICE: Well make it snappy, I WANT CAKE!

BEING DEAD SUCKS

RENT ME A TUX

I GOT WHAT I WANT FROM SOUP TO NUTS

BJ’S GETTING MARRIED!

LYDIA: Hey Beetlejuice! I’m going to the Netherworld!

BEETLEJUICE: Wait, what?

LYDIA: Classic Bait and Switch, Oldest trick in the book!

(she enters the Netherworld)

CHARLES: No Lydia!

(along with Charles)

ADAM: NO! NO! NO!

BEETLEJUICE: Why does everyone KEEP LEAVING ME! Okay, new plan. You’re all going to die.

TODAY!

(everyone runs from him.)

BEETLEJUICE: Oh, not so fast Mr. Soulbox. We’re going to play a little game!

CHARLES: LYDIA!

LYDIA: Dad?

CHARLES: Are you alright?

LYDIA: You followed me?

CHARLES: What is this place?

MISS ARGENTINA: THIS IS THE NETHERWORLD! Welcome! I am the once and forever, Miss Argentina! I died with this sash. They can never take it away! Prrokie! Now, let’s get you processed. Where’s your handbook? Oh you don’t have a handbook? Why don’t you have a handbook? Are you trying to skip the line?

LYDIA: Line for what?

MISS ARGENTINA: DID YOU EVEN READ THE HANDBOOK? What else do you have to do, Mami? You are dead?

LYDIA: Actually, we’re alive

MISS ARGENTINA: But that’s impossible, you… you’re a living girl. In the world of the dead?

CHARLES: And her father.

MISS ARGENTINA: Oh, but you have to go back now. Before Juno sees you.

CHARLES: Juno?

LYDIA: I’m not going back! I’m here to find my-

MISS ARGENTINA: Girl! Everyone here would go back if they could! I wish I was still alive

16 "What I Know Now"[]

MISS ARGENTINA: I WAS HOT

I WENT TO PARTIES A LOT Y'KNOW?

I WAS DRIVING LAMBORGHINIS SIPPING SUPER-DRY MARTINIS

IN THE TINIEST BIKINIS ON A YACHT

BUT I WAS DEPRESSED

ALSO COMPLETELY OBSESSED

AN UNHAPPY BEAUTY QUEEN WHO DREAMED TO BE MISS ARGENTINA

I HAD SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM I WAS A MESS

SO I GAVE IT ALL UP FOR THE NETHERWORLD

I'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER, GIRL

IF I WAS MORE CLEVER, GIRL

I WOULD'VE STUCK IT OUT KNOWING WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT

PAIN AND JOY AND SUFFERING

FAILING BUT RECOVERING

I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING

EVERYONE HERE IS ALONE

SO IF YOU ARE BREATHING GO HOME!

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

I WOULD HAVE LOOKED WITHIN AND LET LOVE IN SOMEHOW

IF I ONLY KNEW THE TRUTH BACK THEN

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MY LITTLE ACCIDENT

Ooh! New arrivals! They’re still alive!

DON'T BE BLIND

YOU LEFT YOUR WHOLE LIFE BEHIND

SEE A SHRINK CALL A PRIEST ASK THE RECENTLY DECEASED

DEATH IS FINAL AND YOU CANNOT PRESS REWIND

SKYDIVER: DON'T JUMP WHEN THE LIGHT IS RED

TOASTER LADY: TOASTERS SHOULD BE USED FOR BREAD

CIGAR MAN: NEVER SMOKE CIGARS IN BED

FOOTBALL PLAYER: NIETZSCHE WAS RIGHT, Y'KNOW, TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER, BRO

CHEATER: DON'T CHEAT ON THE ONE YOU WED

JOCKEY: NEVER WHIP A THOROUGHBRED

ALL: ANGRY PYGMYS SHRUNK HIS HEAD

WHY DID IT TAKE DEATH TO SEE

HAPPINESS WAS UP TO ME?

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

I WOULD'VE LAUGHED AND DANCED AND LANCED EVERY SACRED COW

I THOUGHT I KNEW

BUT I WAS WRONG

'CAUSE LIFE IS SHORT BUT DEATH IS SUPER LONG

EXPLODING GUY: I EXPLODED!

(DANCE BREAK!)

MISS ARGENTINA: IF I KNEW THEN (IF I KNEW)

WHAT I KNOW NOW

ALL: I WOULD'VE CROSSED EVERY LINE AND DRANK ALL THE WINE

BEFORE MY FINAL BOW

IF I KNEW (IF I KNEW)

THE THINGS THAT NOW I KNOW

I WOULD RIDE THE HIGHS AND CHERISH THE LOWS

GOING, IT'S A QUICK TRICK 'ROUND THE RODEO

MISS ARGENTINA: SO BEFORE THEY LOWER THE CURTAIN, BE CERTAIN TO ENJOY THE SHOW

THAT'S WHAT I KNOW!

ENSEMBLE: LIFE IS SHORT BUT DEATH IS LONG HERE, ONE MINUTE THEN IT'S GONE

THOUGHT I KNEW BUT I WAS WRONG

ALL: IF I ONLY KNEW WHAT I KNOW NOW!

JUNO: Report to processing! All recently deceased individuals, form a line!

CHARLES: This doesn’t seem good!

JUNO: My name is Juno! (Smokes.) it is my job to help transfer you out of the overwhelming emotional life, and into the blissful numbness and soothing solitude that awaits you in the infinite abyss of nothingness that is the Netherworld. Also, no liquids! Drink it, or throw it out!

LYDIA: My mom’s dead. Is she in there

JUNO: Anyone whose ever died is in there. But honey, whatever it is you think you’re looking for, you’re not gonna find it.

LYDIA: I’ve come this far. I have to try

CHARLES: LYDIA, NO!

JUNO: YOU! You’re still breathing aren’t you? Well, we can take care of that. New meat! Take care of them

LYDIA: Dad! Draw a door, go home! I’m going to find mom!

CHARLES: Lydia! No, wait!

JUNO: We’ve got a runner!

(chase ensues.)

LYDIA: Mom?! (more chase.) Where are you? Mom! (more chase.) Mom? Mom!! What am I doing?

17 "Home"[]

“HOME”

LYDIA: MAMA, I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE

TIRED OF TALKING TO MYSELF HERE

BACK AT HOME, YOU DON'T EXIST

SO HERE I AM IN THE ABYSS

ARE YOU REALLY IN THIS PLACE?

IT'S LIKE THE EMPTINESS OF SPACE

I COULD SEARCH FOR ALL ETERNITY AND NEVER SEE YOUR FACE

HELP ME OUT

I'M LOST WITHOUT YOU STANDING

STUCK ON THIS IMPOSSIBLE ROAD

NO IDEA WHICH WAY TO GO

WHICHEVER PATH I CHOOSE I LOSE, YOU KNOW

AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY'S HOME OH-OH

I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY'S HOME OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH

YOU ALWAYS SAW LIFE AS A GAME

BUT SINCE YOU LEFT, IT SUCKS TO PLAY

I'M BEATEN UP AND BRUISED

CONFUSED BY RULES THAT ALTER EVERY DAY

WHERE TO NEXT?

YOU LEFT BUT I'M STILL STANDING

SPINNING ON THIS INFINITE ROAD

TERRIFIED OF LETTING YOU GO

NO LIGHT ABOVE AND THERE'S NO HOPE BELOW

AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY'S HOME

MOM, I'VE GOT MY HEART IN MY HAND

SPEAK TO ME AND I'LL UNDERSTAND

ONE LITTLE WORD TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE

AND SHOW ME THE WAY BACK HOME OH-OH

IS THERE A WAY BACK HOME? OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH

THE NOTHINGNESS AHEAD OF ME

IS THIS THE END YOU MEANT FOR ME?

EVERY LIVING MINUTE

THERE'S NO HOME WITHOUT YOU IN IT

I'M FALLING QUIT STALLING

YOUR DAUGHTER IS CALLING YOUR NAME

I'VE BURNED ALL MY BRIDGES AND GAMES

CHARLES: Lydia! Thank god. C’mon. we have to go home!

LYDIA: I don’t have a home!

CHARLES: Don’t say that. Look, I know things have been difficult-

LYDIA: “But we’re moving forward!”, right? That’s your answer for everything! Move forward. Feel nothing. Well you got what you wanted, Dad. An infinite abyss of nothing!

CHARLES: You think this is what I want? I never said-

LYDIA: You never say ANYTHING! She was my whole world. And she left us. And you won’t even say her name

CHARLES: Because it hurts too much! (a beat.) She was my world, too Lydia. That’s why I’ve been trying so hard to build a new one.

LYDIA: But Dad, there’s no one in it. We left each other behind. And now we’re all alone.

CHARLES: You’re right. God, you know, your mother knew this was going to happen. I mean, not this, I don’t think anyone could have predicted this. A few nights before she- before the end, Emily took my hand and said, “I know you wanna fix it. But we just have to hold onto each other and live through it.” I thought she was talking about us. But she was talking about us.

LYDIA: I don’t wanna forget about her. I’m so scared I’m going to forget her. Promise me we can talk about her

CHARLES: Any time you want.

LYDIA: (hugging him.) Let’s go home.

CHARLES: That demon with the stupid hair, he’ll be waiting for us.

LYDIA: I almost feel bad for him

CHARLES: Why?

LYDIA: He’s the loneliest guy I know. (an idea.) And that is exactly how we can beat him. Trust me, it’s going to get weird, but it’ll work. Let’s draw the door.

CHARLES: I just have to get the chalk. I hid it in case that dancing football player caught me. He was fast! So much poise!

LYDIA: I'M GONNA GO BACK HOME

ADAM, BARBARA, DELIA AND DAD

IT'S MESSY BUT THEY'RE ALL THAT I HAVE

I'LL MAKE THE BEST OF BEING FLESH AND BONE

MAMA, I'M GOING HOME YEAH

MAMA, I'M GOING HOME

OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH

I'M GOING HOME...

MAMA, I'M GOING HOME

BEETLEJUICE It’s…

ENSEMBLE Life or Death!

BEETLEJUICE: That’s right! (game show music plays) It’s time for America’s favorite game show! Where the contestants suck and the host is very angry, because his plan to become alive just went balls up! (laughs evilly) SHUT UP! (game show music stops) I’m ready for some people to die. Let’s spin the wheel!

(the cover reveals Otho on the wheel as Beetlejuice takes off the cover)

OTHO: Please! Please, don’t spin the wheel! I don’t wanna die!

DELIA: Don’t worry Otho, we’ll put you in the Soulbox!

OTHO: Delia! Don’t you get it? I’m a fraud! My name’s not Otho!

DELIA: What?

OTHO: It’s Kevin! AND I’m from New Jersey!

DELIA: SPIN THE WHEEL!

BEETLEJUICE: You heard the lady! SPIN! As your guru Otho always said, this is taking too long!

OTHO: I NEVER SAID THAAAAAAAT! (screams)

BEETLEJUICE: HIS NAME WAS KEVIN! YEAH! We’ll be right back.

LYDIA: Hey BJ!

BEETLEJUICE: Lydia!?

LYDIA: What’s wrong sugarlumps? Did you think I wasn’t coming back?

BEETLEJUICE: I mean you literally jumped into hell to get away from me.

LYDIA: I had a change of heart. I realized that I don’t want to go through life alone.

CHARLES: And, she wanted my blessing. Which does not come easy. Mr. Juice, I respect your resistance and your Moxy.

LYDIA: We have a plan, follow my lead!

BEETLEJUICE: Huh?

CHARLES: LOOK AT ME! I’m crying because I’m so happy. Welcome to the family, son.

BEETLEJUICE: No. I’m not buying it, time to die! AGHHHH

ADAM: HOLD ON ONE DAMN MINUTE! I have something to say. Mr. Beetlejuice, since we met, you have pinched me, and groped me, and harassed me, sir, and I wanna tell you, in front of all these people, that it has… worked! I want you, Beetlejuice. And I want everyone here to know it. (ADAM kisses BEETLEJUICE.)

BARBARA: How DARE YOU!? (slaps ADAM.)

ADAM: MAITLANDS 2.0

BARBARA: MAITLANDS 2.0! I am angry! Because I too am attracted to Mr. Beetlejuice. (goes to kiss him, but gags.)

BEETLEJUICE: Wait, wait, wait COME ON! This is all very believable. I am a very sexual being, and I do love me an orgy, but I say this with love, but you all don’t strike me as the orgying kind. (referring to DELIA.) Except her. She’s definitely done some stuff, I can tell. Yeah.

LYDIA: Beetlejuice...

BEETLEJUICE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LYDIA: Beetlejuice, don’t you get it? It's not about that. It’s about love! And life! And choosing the people you wanna share it with!

18 "Creepy Old Guy"[]

“CREEPY OLD GUY"

LYDIA: WAY BACK WHEN I WAS JUST TEN SIMPLE AND SWEET

EVERYWHERE, FELLAS WOULD STARE OUT ON THE STREET

AND I FELT USED

KINDA CONFUSED

I WOULD REFUSE TO LOOK IN THEIR EYES

BUT NOW I REALLY LOVE CREEPY OLD GUYS

ALL: WE ALL DO!

BARBARA: GUM DISEASE

DELIA: SKIN LIKE GRILLED CHEESE

LYDIA: SAGGY OLD ASSES

DELIA: SAGGY OLD ASSES

LYDIA: CUTE AND VILE

BARBARA/DELIA: HEY BABY, SMILE

LYDIA: TO EACH GIRL THAT PASSES

BARBARA: THEY MAKE ME BLUSH

DELIA: CAN'T GET ENOUGH

LYDIA: NOW ONE OF 'EM LOVES ME, WANTS TO BE MINE

ALL: THAT'S RIGHT

LYDIA: MARRYING MY OWN CREEPY OLD GUY!

BEETLEJUICE: I'M A CREEPY OLD GUY

LYDIA: MY CREEPY OLD GUY, MY CREEPY OLD GUY

I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY

BARBARA/DELIA: GIRLS MAY SEEM DISGUSTED, BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY JUST SHY

LYDIA: MY CREEPY OLD GROOM

BARBARA: CREEPY OLD GROOM

PLAY THAT WEDDING TUNE

LYDIA: HEY FOLKS, STEP ASIDE

BEETLEJUICE: I AM OLDER, BUT I'M GLAD I WAITED

LYDIA: 'CAUSE HERE COMES THE BRIDE

I AM MARRYING MY CREEPY OLD GUY

ALL: CREEPY OLD GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY

LYDIA: MY CREEPY OLD GUY

ALL: CREEPY OLD GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY!

LYDIA: FIX HIS HAIR

GET HIM PREPARED

FOR ARMAGEDDON

BARBARA: SURE, THE GROOM CRAWLED OUT OF A TOMB

DELIA: BUT HEY, HEY, IT'S A WEDDING!

LYDIA: SO DIM THE LIGHTS

PICK UP SOME RICE

SAY SOMETHING NICE IT'S MY DAY TO SHINE

I'M GETTING HITCHED TO MY CREEPY OLD GUY

BEETLEJUICE: IT’S SHOWTIME!

BARBARA/DELIA: CREEPY OLD GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY

SHE'S MARRYING A CREEPY OLD GUY

CHARLES: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN "LOLITA"?

THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT, BUT FINE

ALL: CREEPY OLD DUDE, CREEPY OLD DUDE

OUR FAITH HAS BEEN RENEWED

NOW LOVE IS ALIVE!

LYDIA: WAVE YOUR BABY GIRL GOODBYE

I AM WALKING DOWN THE AISLE

I WANNA SEE A TEAR IN EVERY EYE AS I PASS BY

I KNOW THAT ON THE OUTSIDE HE'S DISGUSTING

AND EVEN ON THE INSIDE, HE'S DISGUSTING

BUT I KNOW THAT THIS TIME, I'M MAKIN' IT RIGHT

WITH MY FAMILY BY MY SIDE

(DANCE BREAK!)

BEETLEJUICE: O.M.G.

DRESSED TO A "T"

FANCY AND FORMAL

I FOUND ME A WIFE

L'CHAIM!, TO LIFE

THIS IS SO NORMAL!

I WAS IGNORED BUT NOW, I'M ADORED!

'CAUSE I EXTORTED, TORTURED, AND LIED

GIVE IT UP FOR MY UNDERAGE BRIDE!

ALL: HERE COMES THE BRIDE HERE COMES THE BRIDE

GOD BE GLORIFIED

I CAN'T BELIEVE SOME CULTURES THINK THIS KIND OF THING'S ALRIGHT

LYDIA: MY CREEPY OLD GUY MY CREEPY OLD GUY

DOESN'T HE DESERVE A CHANCE AT LIFE?

BEETLEJUICE: OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT

LYDIA: SO, LET'S MAKE HIM ALIVE!

I AM MARRYING MY CREEPY OLD GUY!

ALL GUY, GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY GUY, GUY, CREEPY OLD GUY GUY, GUY,

YEAH

BEETLEJUICE/LYDIA: I do.

  • Beetlejuice: AHHHHHHH!! I’M ALIVE! Wow, are those birds? They sound so beautiful. And that makes me feel… oh god, I actually feel! happy! I’ve never felt this before. This is amazing! But what if it doesn’t last? Oh god, I’m so worried now. The happiness is completely gone, and that just makes me really sad. You know? Just like, what if I’m never happy again? Oh god, just the thought of that makes me so ANGRY! AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PROCESS MY ANGER BECAUSE AS A SOCIETY WE DON’T TEACH MEN HOW TO PROCESS THEIR ANGER, SO MAYBE I’LL JUST TRY…MURDER!

(LYDIA stabs him.)

  • Beetlejuice: AGHHHH! OKAY! Okay, I see what you did there. That’s a neat trick.

DELIA: You stabbed him!

ADAM: With bad art!

  • Beetlejuice: That feels meaningful

DELIA: I don’t understand! You brought him to life, just so you could kill him?

LYDIA: Exactly.

DELIA: But now he’ll be-

LYDIA: Recently Deceased. Adam, we need a door

ADAM: Chapter one! Proceed directly to the Netherworld!

BARBARA: Hey Beetlejuice!

MAITLANDS: LEAVE THIS HOUSE!

  • Beetlejuice: Netherworld…
  • Juno: Beetlejuice!
  • Beetlejuice: Oh crap!
  • Juno: I should’ve guessed you’d be mixed up in all of this! God, you’re a screw up!
  • Beetlejuice: Why do you gotta be so hard on me, Mom?
  • Adam Maitland, Barbara Maitland, Charles Deetz, Delia Deetz, and Lydia Deetz: Wait, WHAT?
  • Beetlejuice: This is so embarrassing.
  • Juno: You are the embarrassment. To the dead. You were so desperate for somebody to love you that you act like a damn fool.
  • Beetlejuice: Okay mom,
  • Juno: STOP! GET OUTTA MY WAY. You! (a beat.) You go to the Netherworld, you don’t come back. That’s the rule
  • Beetlejuice: Back off, Mom! Back off! Because of her, I got to live, briefly, very briefly, and can I just say something? Life is a goddamn roller coaster, I don’t know how you people do that. it’s just like “ Wah, Wah, Wah Wah Wah Wah.” All these feelings. One minute you’re on top of the world, and the next minute, you feel like no one will ever love you… This guy knows what I’m talking about! Thank you for being here. But, it’s worth it. Every bit of it. And I’m not gonna let you take it from her!
  • Juno: Oh, Lawrence, that was beautiful. Maybe I’ve been all wrong about you. And I’ll admit. I haven’t always been such a good mother. But that’s only because I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!
  • Beetlejuice: AHH YOU FOOLED ME WITH LOVE!
  • Juno: NOW! You! You’re coming with me.
  • Lydia Deetz: You know what? I’ve already been to hell and back. I’ve learned a lot. And I think I’ll take a chance on life! People! Like these weirdos.
  • Charles Deetz: She’s not going anywhere.
  • Barbara Maitland: Yeah, back off!
  • Adam Maitland: Over our dead bodies!
  • Delia Deetz: Yeah! I’m a part of this too! I don’t know get it, but I’m a part of it!
  • Juno: Oh, look at you! All ganging up against the mean lady from hell! Adorable! Fine, you wanna be together? YOU CAN DIE TOGETHER! (BEETLEJUICE bursts in on the Sandworm.)
  • Beetlejuice: WOO! Hiya mom! (in a southern accent.) Now, go on girl, get out of here, you know you’re free, go on, get out of here. Check it out, Lydia! Now we both got Dead Moms! Well, I should probably get going. Gonna go on a little vision quest, find my dad. SEQUEL (air horn.) Adam, you’re boring. But you’re sexy. Own that. Barbara, put her there… now put her here, OWWWWW! Eh, it was worth a shot. Respect. Delilah...
  • Delia Deetz: Delia.
  • Beetlejuice: We didn’t hang out much, Charles! You ripe old bastard. Never change!
  • Charles Deetz: I already did change. I changed a lot.
  • Beetlejuice: Well then, go fuck yourself. And Lydia, I think I’ll miss you most of all. Scarecrow.
  • Lydia Deetz: You smell horrible.
  • Beetlejuice: And I know that now. Well, Bye! YAAAH. GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD. I’LL NEVER COME THIS WAY AGAIN! TELL MY STORYYYYYY!
  • Charles Deetz: This has been a strange day.
  • Lydia Deetz: Strange and unusual.
  • Barbara Maitland: Your crazy plan worked!
  • Lydia Deetz: We made a good team! We did kill someone though.
  • Charles Deetz: Yes, but we did it together!
  • Lydia Deetz: Adam, Barbara? Do you mind if we all share this house!
  • Barbara Maitland: Awwwww...
  • Adam Maitland: We’d love it! I’m sorry it’s kind of a mess.
  • Barbara Maitland: Nothing we can’t fix.
  • Delia Deetz: Well, I’m so happy for all of you. I guess I’ll just go.
  • Lydia Deetz: Delia-
  • Delia Deetz: Yeah, did you say something?
  • Lydia Deetz: I want you to stay. It's just like you said, you don’t always get it, but you’re a part of it.
  • Delia Deetz: SUCKS-YES! I’m gonna say it! This is the best day of my life!
  • Lydia Deetz: Let’s clean up?
  • Charles Deetz: Hey! Your mother loved this song.

19 "Jump in the line/ Dead Mom (Reprise)"[]

“JUMP IN THE LINE”

LYDIA: SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA

SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA

SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME

BARBARA/DELIA: WORK WORK WORK SENORA

WORK YOUR BODY LINE

ALL: WORK WORK WORK SENORA

WORK IT ALL THE TIME

CHARLES: MY GIRLS NAME IS SENORA

BARBARA: I TELL YOU FRIENDS I ADORE HER

ADAM: AND WHEN SHE DANCES OH BROTHER

DELIA: SHE IS A HURRICANE IN ALL KINDS OF WEATHER

ALL: JUMP IN THE LINE

ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME

LYDIA: OK I BELIEVE YOU

ALL: JUMP IN LINE

ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME

LYDIA: OK I BELIEVE YOU

ALL: SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA

DELIA: AH!

ALL: SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE

WORK WORK WORK SENORA

DELIA: AH!

ALL: WORK IT ALL THE TIME

LYDIA: MAMA IF YOU'RE LISTENING, DOESN'T THIS BLOW YOUR MIND

ALL SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE SENORA

SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE SENORA

LYDIA: I WAS ON A MISSION

THIS IS WHAT I LEFT BEHIND

ALL SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE SENORA

SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE SENORA

LYDIA: I MISS YOU EVERYDAY

BUT SEEK A LITTLE STRANGER THAN USUAL AND YOU WILL FIND

LIFE BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION

A MESS IN MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS

A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL I KNOW

ALL: SHAKE, SHAKE

LYDIA: MAMA I'M HOME

ALL: DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME

LYDIA: I'M HOME

ALL: SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA

LYDIA: I'M HOME

THE END

Trivia[]

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